Lil... I do get what you are saying about having a capacity for empathy, and I definitely feel this is a missing ingredient in my marriage. While H is no cold blooded monster, his capacity to listen to my pain and turmoil is limited....he either gets defensive or has to distract himself in some way. I have windows where he will really listen to me and try to capitalize on those moments. I miss that deep heart to heart connection that I feel when talking with my closest friends. That's why it becomes all the more important to work on the sexual part of the relationship---it's something so special and intimate when it's working right.
Lil, I should have said that I believe that JJ's husband acts immaturely when feeling envious..not that I think that all 4's are immature. (though I will tell you straight up that I think it is an ugly characteristic and not one to just say, Well that's how 4's are...kwim?)
I had a long strange trip of a 4th of July weekend and I am incredibly busy so I haven't really been able to make sense of it for myself let alone post my conclusions to the BB.
Some things that happened were:
1) My H got back his testosterone results and they were normal.
2) We had a couple big fights, as usual for us lately. However, we were fighting mostly about my AK trip, not sex. Though to the extent we did fight about sex it was somewhat demoralizing because the issue of my weight came up again.
3) I drank too much. (Very unusual).
4) We had two VERY hot sexual encounters.
5) I had a crying jag for a half-hour in the shower because my babies are growing up and leaving me with an empty nest. This event put me in a whole new head space in which I felt like my MLC energy/angst sort of disipated.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I want to apologize to the Type 4s on the BB if I come across as anti-Type 4. Right now, my H and my sister who I hang out with most frequently and my friend I hang out with most frequently are all Type 4s. I am in Type 4 overload!!!The interesting thing is that I can most clearly see the positive aspects of a Type 4/Type 7 relationship in my relatively new friendship. It's clear to me that she likes me because I call her up enthusiastically and say "Let's go to the beach!" and tell her not too worry about certain problems with her kids and I like her because she is a good listener and seems to care about my problems and she has that certain "coolness" about her that Type 4s seem to share.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Is it my imagination or is fighting necessary to arouse your H?
This may be the case, but it's not because the high passion of the fight arouses him. I think it is because my attitude after a fight which is usually along the lines of "I give up. I don't know why I want to have sex with you or be in a relationship with you anyways. I shall start planning for a life without you." attracts him.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ: I just wanted to say Damn, damn and double damn on the normal T results.
I so want one of us chicks to have that as a solution so I can watch from afar as one of my HD sistas rides off into the sunset with her newly HD man. Oh well.
Did the results surprise you or is that what you were expecting?
That's funny JJ, because I seem to be surrounded by 7-types ( or maybe to a 4 the whole world seems 7-ish). I love the spontaneity and enthusiasm 7's have, and I am appreciated because I'm the one who remembers to take the sunscreen and I can point out the rhythm of the waves. Of course, you would be re-directing my focus to the tan biceps out there.
Quote: I do get what you are saying about having a capacity for empathy, and I definitely feel this is a missing ingredient in my marriage. While H is no cold blooded monster, his capacity to listen to my pain and turmoil is limited....
That image from the article of someone who just sits and listens to you until you are finished and who takes a drink of coffee when you stop talking just in case you have something else to say... that's what I do get from girlfriends (and some male friends) that I don't get from my bf. The other day, during our big blowup, he said that it's not normal to go around feeling "in love" all day. He doesn't even think about it. And that the moments of connection are rare and fleeting and we should just be grateful to have them at all. Geez... would you like gruel with that?
HP said
Quote: should have said that I believe that JJ's husband acts immaturely when feeling envious..not that I think that all 4's are immature. (though I will tell you straight up that I think it is an ugly characteristic and not one to just say, Well that's how 4's are...kwim?)
I agree that JJ's husband acts in a very immature way. To be a 4 and have no introspective skills or inclinations must be he11. I've never felt like anyone here was bashing 4's. Not all 4's are immature (for instance, I don't think I am ), but all 4's are plagued with the tendency to be envious. When I feel envious, it's my signal to examine my feelings, do a vertical drop if necessary, and realize that when we envy something, we usually have the thing we envy or at least the potential for it within ourselves.
The purpose of the enneagram is greater self-knowledge. To that end, no one should say, "Well, that's just the way I am-- get used to it!" The idea is to see that I have a tendency to envy others instead of looking to myself to fulfill myself; for my bf to see that he has a tendency to keep planning and never get around to doing the thing, or to drink to avoid his pain; for my late husband (who was a 9) to be able to see all sides of a situation and have a hard time figuring out what his own opinion was; for the 5 to hide out with facts and figures and avoid human contact; for the 1 to believe s/he is always right and other people should just fall in line, etc.
Hey Lil, I am a 7 and go around feeling totally in love with H almost every day. I think that is a defensive thing to say and not characteristic of a 7, what do you think?
), but all 4's are plagued with the tendency to be envious. When I feel envious, it's my signal to examine my feelings, do a vertical drop if necessary, and realize that when we envy something, we usually have the thing we envy or at least the potential for it within ourselves.