Miracle at JJ's

[honeypot]

Jenny,
Last week when we were talking about our H's new slam-bam preferred method of ML, I became determined to talk to him about this. I got my chance last night after a lengthy wait, lol.

Sure enough after a few minutes of kissing, he jumps right on top of me. I went with it but found myself seething inside so I politely asked him to get back off and touch me some more. In a nice way, I mentioned that I noticed that he seems quite uninterested in foreplay these days. He said he likes it but that he is just super horny. Hmph.

Oh well, I dropped it and I sincerely hope I won't be having this convo every time we ML now.

Thanks for the inspiration to bring this up. Your thread conjures up some doozies sometimes!

Glad to hear it was a nice weekend. Sounds like you are getting a little more fun and honest communication going on. If your H could just drop the drama queen stuff, I suspect your life would be grand!

[MJontheMend]

Thanks for the replies, my friends.

The weird thing is I am feeling successful even though I am still inclined to give my marriage only about a 50% five-year survival prognosis at this point. I guess I'm feeling successful because I know I'm doing the best that I can and the rest is up to fate or genetics or the will of Mr.W and therefore beyond my control.

I had an odd morning. I had lunch with a friend and she revealed to me that she is in a SSM and she is the LD spouse. It was kind of depressing because her H used to be my boss and he and I have a lot in common, similar personalities,and worked together very well. Therefore, a lot of her complaints about her H were probably complaints my H could have against me. She said things like "He makes me feel like I'm boring because he always has things he's excited to talk about and I don't" and "I refuse to fight with him because he'll always win because he likes to debate everything" and the usual type complaints a LD spouse might have against a HD spouse about only being interested in her for sex and "grabbiness" etc. It was kind of a bizarro world experience. I think I freaked her out by telling her about my sich because I was pretty straightforward about just how fed up I have been with my situation. Though we both were laughing at the end of the convo because she had to agree that though half the problems we have with our H's are similar (limited help with household matters and unwillingness to participate in recreational/social activities) I have the worse case scenario because I don't even have the leverage of sex-drive working in my favor. She said something like "Yeah, I have leverage and sometimes I am evil in my use of it.". Though interestingly, she also said that from her POV I am doing the right thing to insist on what I want in my relationship.

[MJontheMend]

I'm in a weird frame of mind right now. I'm beginning to feel like I just don't want to be married at all. I don't want to work at "fixing" MrW anymore and I don't want to trade him in for some HD guy who I will end up fighting about money with or something.

Maybe I'm someone who never should have married in the first place. When I was growing up I had tons of fantasies about sex and many fantasies about career and children but zero fantasies about weddings or marriage.

I'm actually feeling pretty LD for me. Kind of like the way I would feel when I was young and I was between boyfriends and not really looking for a new one. I'm just as physically horny as usual but I don't have any particular object for my horniness. I feel like I'm moving into a new phase in my life and whether Mr.W will accompany me is totally up to him because his cr*ppy record as a husband gives him at best a clean slate at this point with me.

[karen1]

JJ,

I understand where you are and I was at a point that was similar not long ago. I didn't plan on actively leaving my marriage or actively pursuing anything outside of M but I did wonder whether I could just mentally check out of the M which would create LDness as an after effect. Then, if H felt moved to do so - he could leave or ask me to do so but I just wasn't striving anymore. I decided that I just wasn't meant to be married or that I was a terminally "poor chooser" of men and that I should just give up. I understand that the nuances of your thoughts are a little different than mine.

In my case I think it was a way of giving myself mental rest and moreover permission to quit "doing" - quit reading, thinking, processing, strategizing, worrying, agonizing and all of that. Can you find a way to rest yourself without the escape fantasy? Can you tell Mr. W that you are tired? Can you spend some time with some girlfriends and take a rest from "men" - a girls weekend perhaps? Not to man bash but to lift up all that is great in women? Can you journal about your feelings and explore them without totally checking out of your M?

Strange thoughts for a strange frame of mind.

Karen

[InherJourney]

JJ... I think it's healthy to feel that you will be okay no matter what happens with the marriage. That's the ideal I strive for...to be an autonomous person who is choosing to stay married, instead of feeling trapped and resentful. Apart from staying married for the kids and financial reasons, I need to feel lucky to have my H, be enriched by the relationship and miss him if he were not here. I hope that will be the case when S ( almost 11) turns into S18.

J

[cally]

JJ....I know how you are feling. I think we just get to these points where we are just so tired and sick of it and wore down.

I also find myself going through a faze I have never been through before. Who knows maybe it is not a faze but who I am now. It has been a month since we had sex. We don't have sex that frequent but like maybe it ranges 2-4 times a month. I have never went this long without sex except for during the recovery time after giving birth. I mean and after giving birth you don't really think about sex because your to sore. Well, week one I was angry he seemed to not want sex at all. I want to be desired and sought after. Week two we were fighting but saturday I did find myself horny and planned to initiate myself my husband was already alseep when I came home from work. He never goes to bed that early. Week three he claimed to have a headache so no sex. Okay let mention my husband will only have sex on the weekend. Week 4 we were fighting but I find myself thinking so different. I am not thinking about sex with him at all. It almost appears like my sex drive is gone. But even more so like I am just not attracted to him or desire to have sex with him at all. I think it is just him because I did see a yummy guy and thought wow he is hot at work the other night. It is not so much attracted to him physically but I guess you could say mentally?? For me I am attracted to a man's confidence and sex appeal. I like to be sought after and dominated sexually. It really turns me on. Like for instance my husband doesn't realize but we could be arguing and he could probably lift me up and carry me off to the bedroom and have his way with me. I love dominance and for a man to show lust and desire for me. My husband for instance it has been a month for him and it appears it doesn't bother him at all. I see no glances towards me or trying to sneak peaks while I am dressing. He don't complain or act grumpy at all. He has not mentioned sex AT ALL. I guess I have finally realized what a complete and utter turn off this is for me. I guess I thought to myself cally what the hell are you chasing all these years he doesn't even turn you on mentally. He has no sex appeal anymore it is gone. I guess maybe during the years when we were having sex at least a coupole times a month I could still see him as sexual some what. But to see him go a month and it not bother him has really really changed the way I think about him.

I honestly think I should just move on. It is just so apparent to me that this will not change. He doesn't have what it will take. But I have changed also. So we don't even have that one person trying anymore to restore a sexual and intimate relationship. And by a month going by I also mean there has been no hugs or kisses I love You's or anything. There has been no affection what so ever. Just like two friends living with one another.

[MJontheMend]

Can you spend some time with some girlfriends and take a rest from "men" - a girls weekend perhaps?

Strange you should suggest that since probably one of the reasons I am in my current down on marriage mood is my H guilted me out of visiting my sister for a week. She is spending the summer as the Public Defender on a remote island in Alaska. My other sister who lives near me is going. She has a nice boyfriend she lives with who wouldn't dream of telling her not to go.

I wish someone would tell me what possible benefit there is to having a husband for a financially independent, reasonably attractive woman past child-bearing and nearly past child-rearing age?

[MJontheMend]

Apart from staying married for the kids and financial reasons, I need to feel lucky to have my H, be enriched by the relationship and miss him if he were not here.

Very insightful. I am also still partially motivated to stay married for the sake of the kids and financial reasons that have to do with the kids. However I would say that currently I do not feel lucky to have my H and our relationship stifles me more than it enriches me...but I would still kind of miss him if he were not around.

[MJontheMend]

He has not mentioned sex AT ALL. I guess I have finally realized what a complete and utter turn off this is for me. I guess I thought to myself cally what the hell are you chasing all these years he doesn't even turn you on mentally. He has no sex appeal anymore it is gone.

I know what you mean, except in my case I've found that I am even more turned off by him having sex with me but acting resentful about it than by him just not being interested in sex. To put it in as juvenile and crude a manner as possible it's as though he thinks he can act like a hot snot on a silver platter but now I am seeing him as nothing but a cold booger on a paper plate.

[OG_Lou]

RE: Cally

Like for instance my husband doesn't realize but we could be arguing and he could probably lift me up and carry me off to the bedroom and have his way with me.

Cally, not to take this thread off track, but how would a guy tell the difference between a put-off from a LDW, kind of a no sex, and we are arguing and if the guy did everything right, the LDW would want sex?

I know your H is the LD person in your M. Do you think some LDW would want to have sex after some arguments. Any clues to when "no means yes, just try harder, or something else?" I get the confidence concept but some women see confidence as selfish or ego boosting.

I guess I bought into the "no means no" and after debating or semi arguing women were not interested in sex. I read where JJ said she likes make-up sex and sex is one way to make up.

Maybe Lil's book Reclaiming Your Sexual Self might have some answers.

(thinking out loud No sex during the week? I thought only women were that way.)

Lou