Quote: He also claimed that this is the way most men prefer it, although they know they can’t get away with it.
My reply to that would have been "Yeah because most men care whether their female lovers think they suck in bed.". Maybe my experience is warped but I had 10 lovers before I was married and only one was a "Wham, bam, thank you M'am" kind of guy and trust me he didn't get a second chance. I mean even the guy who was a total Speedy Gonzales premature ejaculator liked to spend long sessions just kissing. This was true even though every one of my lovers was under the age of 25 with hardly a drop of maturity to share amongst them. I mean I had an 18 year old boyfriend who loved to draw the experience out as long as possible because that was his preference. He would tease me by saying things like "Do you want it now? Yes, you do but I think I'll just wait a bit." with his cock poised for entry.
BTW, were you just being funny or are you really starting to be concerned about your H's porn use again?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: He also claimed that this is the way most men prefer it, although they know they can’t get away with it.
My reply to that would have been "Yeah because most men care whether their female lovers think they suck in bed.". Maybe my experience is warped but I had 10 lovers before I was married and only one was a "Wham, bam, thank you M'am" kind of guy and trust me he didn't get a second chance. I mean even the guy who was a total Speedy Gonzales premature ejaculator liked to spend long sessions just kissing. This was true even though every one of my lovers was under the age of 25 with hardly a drop of maturity to share amongst them. I mean I had an 18 year old boyfriend who loved to draw the experience out as long as possible because that was his preference. He would tease me by saying things like "Do you want it now? Yes, you do but I think I'll just wait a bit." with his cock poised for entry.
BTW, were you just being funny or are you really starting to be concerned about your H's porn use again?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ... I actually have the reverse situation in that I'd prefer to speed things up and have some raunchiness while my H needs to feel a certain emotional feeling. He will start to warm me up but then he is looking for something from me... I finally figured out that what he wants is to feel I really want him. Because I am shy/reserved I haven't done such a good job of this, but I am getting there. For instance, if he wants oral from me he knows he has to direct me there ( for the life of me, I can't just go for it)...this works because he's still somewhat of a control freak and wants to feel ready for it. In order for his body to respond, he needs to feel wanted. We can go through IC for awhile...I know if I want him to cumm I just have to motion to him ( by holding him tighter and becoming more active) that I am really into him. Other times, it feels like he needs to feel he is providing a service for me...I joke with him about his "tool" and I find myself saying thank you. He will always throw in something loving, which I do love but he has a hard time just enjoying sex for sex's sake. Sometimes I'd like us just to take the EC for granted.
Quote: I actually have the reverse situation in that I'd prefer to speed things up and have some raunchiness while my H needs to feel a certain emotional feeling. He will start to warm me up but then he is looking for something from me... I finally figured out that what he wants is to feel I really want him. Because I am shy/reserved I haven't done such a good job of this, but I am getting there. For instance, if he wants oral from me he knows he has to direct me there ( for the life of me, I can't just go for it).
Are you sure your H is looking for emotional connection in order to be more sexual? The way you describe things, it sounds like what he is looking for is just more clear cut sexual signaling from you. When you find yourself wanting the action to be faster and raunchier is the situation that you start moving faster and doing raunchy things and your H shuts you down with his lovey-slo-mo or are you just hoping that he will take the lead in terms of speed and raunch?
The topic of this thread has become quite confused and it is probably my fault. In my mind, a "quickie" is not the same thing as a "wham,bam" encounter. IMO a "quickie" is what happens when you are both in the mood for a fast, energetic, raunchy encounter without a lot of foreplay or romance. A "wham,bam" encounter is what happens when a guy doesn't concern himself adequately with whether his partner needs/wants more foreplay or stimulation in order to become fully aroused or orgasm. I frequently enjoy and even seek out "quickies". No woman enjoys a "wham, bam" encounter. The problem I was trying to describe is that even if you are a HDW and you are in the mood for sex, you aren't necessarily in the mood for a "quickie".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: My reply to that would have been "Yeah because most men care whether their female lovers think they suck in bed.". Maybe my experience is warped but I had 10 lovers before I was married and only one was a "Wham, bam, thank you M'am" kind of guy and trust me he didn't get a second chance. I mean even the guy who was a total Speedy Gonzales premature ejaculator liked to spend long sessions just kissing. This was true even though every one of my lovers was under the age of 25 with hardly a drop of maturity to share amongst them. I mean I had an 18 year old boyfriend who loved to draw the experience out as long as possible because that was his preference. He would tease me by saying things like "Do you want it now? Yes, you do but I think I'll just wait a bit." with his cock poised for entry.
BTW, were you just being funny or are you really starting to be concerned about your H's porn use again?
Hmmm...my H has never been a Wham Bam kind of lover. I wouldn't have known this about him after one or even one hundred encounters. If that is his preference - well, that is his preference. He is quite aware that it is not a style he can realistically adapt!
I wasn't really joking about the porn. I did have the fleeting thought that if he looked at porn, and them approached me for his quickie, it would leave me feeling used and I don't like that feeling. So I told him 'now or never' and then participated in his arousal, which is perfectly fine with me.
He looks at porn sometimes. For the most part, I don't care, but some days it does bother me. H and I have had a few little talks on the matter, I feel another one brewing. I think differentiation on this subject is a slow process. As a first step, I have stopped being reactive. As a second step, I am soothing myself when I do feel concerned, allowing myself to work through the feelings and try to clarify what it is about the porn that bothers me. I think I am closer to an answer - I feel a distinct lack of emotional connection during these encounters. What I don't know is how real that is, and if it just exists in my own mind.
During one of our recent sessions, I had a tough time getting into it mentally due to this reason. I finally told H that my mind was wandering, but I didn't tell him why. We slowed down, talked a little and I was eventually able to get back in the groove. This sort of thing doesn't happen often, but anytime it does, he is very understanding and willing to 'put me in the oven' for as long as it takes.
I think this is why I don't feel like I am compromising on quality. Regardless of what his preference is, he is considerate of my needs, and he does it with kindness and without resentment.
Quote: I think this is why I don't feel like I am compromising on quality. Regardless of what his preference is, he is considerate of my needs, and he does it with kindness and without resentment.
My H isn't "Wham-Bam" either. If he was, I'd be the LD spouse. He does make the effort to meet my needs in terms of arousal and orgasm but I guess I am sensing some resentment along the lines of "you obviously want sex more often than me, so you must enjoy it more than me therefore there must be something happening that makes the sex better for you than for me.". Sort of the same phenomena as when two kids each get a piece of cake and one kid doesn't have much appetite and the other kid keeps saying things like "Mmmmm this is the most delicious cake.". The low appetite kid can start having the irrational thought that somehow he got cheated and the other kid got a better tasting piece of cake than him. This goes along with the Type 4 envy thing too. On one occasion, my H actually told me that he was jealous of the fact that I enjoyed sex so much.
Rationally, I know I ought to be completely over the porn problem because I am a monster of differentiation-LOL. Like you, I have tried to figure out just what about it bothers me. I'm quite certain it wouldn't bother me if I was married to a guy who wanted sex twice a day and almost always responded positively to my initiations. Actually, it almost certainly wouldn't bother me if I was married to a guy who almost always responded positively to my initiations no matter how often he actually wanted it. I guess it's the feeling that I'm being deprived by his use of porn that bothers me. It's kind of like if I was a SAHM who was married to a man who didn't make much money. I could deal with the fact that he was a low-earner as long as he brought all his money home and didn't spend it at the track or bar. Maybe, it's an unfair way to view things, but if he made more than enough money then I wouldn't care if he wasted some on the horses or whiskey. Actually, I think if I was a really differentiated Schnarchian my view on the matter should be "Please feel free to "use" pornography as often as you like. However, be aware that if this "use" contributes to your lack of desire to respond positively to my initiation attempts then I may find it necessary to "use" the biker bar down the road.".
Another factor that has confused/compounded my "problem" with the porn issue is the fact that some of the LDHs who have posted on this BB have indicated that they think their porn use made a significant contribution to the SS state of their marriages.
I really don't have too much problem with my H looking at porn in order to get turned on enough to initiate sex (as opposed to MB to it) except that it makes me crave more "natural" or "normal" encounters. I have fantasies like "I wish my H would just roll over in the middle of the night and snuggle up to me with a hard-on and we would start having sex." or "I wish there was some possibility that my new sexy outfit would put my H in the mood" or "Why in God's name can't we just start making out and see where the mood takes us?".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Jenny, this thought occurred to me and I thought I would throw it out for your consideration.
Let's say you're a gustatory woman who enjoys sit-down dinners every night and you're married to a man who enjoys sit-down dinners but, sometimes all he wants is a sandwich in front of the tube. And that whenever he wants just a sandwich, you're stuck eating just a sandwich, too.
You have to allow him some leaway to have just a sandwich on occasion. The hard part is that there is no clearly defined line of what on occasion is. And you have to deal with the resentment that his choice leaves you eating sandwiches when there's much better things in the kitchen.
Let me try and explain my POV that I've been trying to develop on this thread by quoting something you posted to Choc.
Quote: Part two of this point. I'm from the south and saying "yes, ma'am" to your elders is ingrained. My daughter, in her youth, decided that this was not something she cared to do in response to me. When confronted with her lack of proper response, she would say "I forgot". So, I would encourage her to remember the next time. Finally, one day I realized that this one had been going on unresolved for some time. The next time it came up and I got the "I forgot" I told her, "Okay, so say it now." Silence. She couldn't/wouldn't bring herself to do it. But, we both realized the truth, which was she didn't want to say it.
By analogy, I'm from a land where men showing a certain sexual "noblesse oblige" and courtesy is ingrained. When my H does not respond or behave in this fashion, my cultural training informs me that I am being treated with disrespect. Where I come from when a woman goes to the trouble of cooking and invites you to the table, the only proper responses are "Man that smells delicious!" or "Coming, dear." or "I'm sorry I can't eat tonight I have malaria.". The only proper comments made on the food or its preparation should be along the lines of "This tomato sauce is an interesting change, but I think I prefer the white sauce." or "That apple pie was delicious. We should have that on a regular basis.". When the meal is over, the cook should be thanked and one should probably even offer to clear the table or help with the dishes.
The fact that I am a "gustatory woman" doesn't alter the fact that I am going to resent not being treated in what I consider to be a respectful manner. One could argue that I am being entirely unreasonable in my expectations in this regard as one could argue that it is unreasonable to expect a child to say "Yes, M'am" in this day and age, but unless you can tell me that you resolved this issue with your daughter by agreeing that she would say "Yes, M'am" half the time and "I doubt it, Mumso" otherwise, I think you'll see my point.
Of course, this analogy isn't perfect because I'm not my H's parent and I don't and shouldn't have authority over his behavior. However, I do have authority over my own behavior and I know I won't be happy unless I insist on being treated with a certain level of sexual respect by a man and I don't care if I'm being old-fashioned and sexist in this regard anymore than you probably care if you were being an old-fashioned authoritarian parent in your situation. If the fact that I am HD means that I am limited in demanding the level of sexual respect and consideration that I desire then I will not remain in a relationship in which I am HD. I am absolutely done with being "reasonable" and making concessions or compromising due to my H's LD. Not having a hearty appetite is no excuse for poor table manners.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ... The reason I am longing for a quickie and some spontaneous raunchy fun from him is because I'd like to see more arousal from him. My H is high on desire/initiation but the arousal part is tricky...I am going to start a new thread...please bring your dissecting kit.
He does make the effort to meet my needs in terms of arousal and orgasm but I guess I am sensing some resentment along the lines of "you obviously want sex more often than me, so you must enjoy it more than me therefore there must be something happening that makes the sex better for you than for me.". Sort of the same phenomena as when two kids each get a piece of cake and one kid doesn't have much appetite and the other kid keeps saying things like "Mmmmm this is the most delicious cake.". The low appetite kid can start having the irrational thought that somehow he got cheated and the other kid got a better tasting piece of cake than him. This goes along with the Type 4 envy thing too. On one occasion, my H actually told me that he was jealous of the fact that I enjoyed sex so much.