Quote: So, now I'm pretty certain that if h is involved with an ow it isn't the ow from the past. Don't ask me how I know as it's not very db.
Ok, so that's good news, right?
it's both good and bad...bad because it doesn't explain the strange beh and signs from h..and also because if there is someone new then ow wasn't that special and h's a serial cheater. Good because I at least know it's not her.
Quote: Since talking to h last week about us and the lack there of..he has been spending more time with the kids..last night when he got home I was going over some math/reading with son instead of h's usual dissapearance he sat with dd and looked over some of her work and quized her on her shapes.
This is a great positive, no? Just in case you're going to say "but he's spending time with the kids, not me" let me say "babysteps...". Let him get comfortable, ok?
he's been home for 3 years now...he's comfortable enough to do as he pleases...I think the problem is not that he's uncomfortable it's that he's gotten too comfortable. Plus it certainly seems to enhance my feelings that he only came home for the "family" and the "kids" now doesn't it.
Quote: Two months (maybe longer) ago I ordered a new front for our diswasher..it had been dented and the bottom piece had fallen off. I replaced the bottom piece myself but in trying to replace the main front discovered I needed a special screwdriver...asked h to help with it..he said he'd take care of it...yesterday I made another attempt at it thinking perhaps an alan key would do it but no such luck...I made a bold move and left the new door resting in front of the diswasher...h said "is this a hint" sure he went and found the right kind of screwdriver from his toolbox but that was the end of that..I sat and battled with the old rusty screws cutting my hand while he went off and took a shower.
OK, I know this is disappointing for you but I can guess at a thousand reasons why h went off and took a shower instead of helping...I'm not excusing the 2 month lag (been there, done that) but maybe the timing was really bad for fixing it THAT night? (workday, etc?)
it's never a good time that's the problem...I can ask..wait...ask again and eventually I have to end up doing it myself.
And, the whole "hint" thing would have blown up squarely in my face if I had tried that ... too P/A and vague for my h to respond to -- it would have ensured that there was no way he would help for a good long time.
well it worked for me...though h didn't do the job he at least got me the tool to do the job with.
What if you had asked him (in proper M&V terminology?) for his help? "Would you put the front part on the dishwasher tonight?". Or, "I'm excited that you said you'd take care of the dishwasher. Would you do it this weekend?"
two months would have gone by..I'd try to do it myself again....I'd leave it there waiting for him and I'd still end up the one doing it.
I know it sounds like a lot of work to figure out HOW to ask but it may go a long way towards staving off some resentment and discontent.
it's not a lot of work...it just doesn't work.
Quote: H has been suggesting taking the kids out to eat on Saturday. I understand that's a good thing as family time is important but it doesn't help the cause.
If we are always going to use the children as a buffer where is it going to get us...plus going to a resteraunt with h and the kids is not going to bring us closer it pushes us apart. H doesn't spend enough time with them to realize and accept that they aren't mini adults..they are kids and it's unlikely that they'll sit perfectly still and upright at a table in a resteraunt for a 1/2 hr waiting for their food...so he gets frustrated with them and I then get frustrated with him.
I suspect that h will continue to use the kids as a go-between until he feels comfortable again in his R with you...what can YOU do to expedite him feeling more comfortable, LL? (Yah, we could get frustrated that he's not coming around sooner, not feeling comfortable, etc, but all that's out of our control, right?). Do you think YOU'D feel comfortable if the tables were turned?
I wouldn't have let things get to the point they are...I'm not the one who's backed away.
But, I understand what you're saying re. the kids and dinner since it seems to breed frustration. Is a babysitter available? Could you suggest doing something all together in the afternoon and then the two of you going out to dinner (where, I'm seriously hoping there will be no R talk! )
I'm tired of making the suggestions...plus don't you realize that by making that request I'd be taking control away from him...shooting down HIS plans.
Seems to me (you probably don't want to hear this) that h IS making some efforts in response to your talk last week...isn't he?
Seems to me (and I know you don't want to hear this) that the only effort h is making in response to my talk with him last week is to reinforce my feelings that he's not here for a r with me...he's here for the kids.
)
