what was I thinking

[sage]

I like this post LL...you've said so much in a few words.

before seperation/outing of a...h and I did have a discussion (strangly prompted by him) of what makes a good h...h thought that being a good provider was worth 75% keeping the lawn looking good worth 15% or 20% I don't recall what else he gave credit too....Why h was suddenly questioning such things I don't know...but his thoughts do say a lot.

This is straight out of M&V, but I'm sure you know that.

My two cents isn't what you're going to want to hear but I'm gonna give it anyway. Don't ask for his time ('cause that doesn't seem to work well for you and it just leads to frustration). I (personally) would turn up the "appreciation machine" regarding what h DOES do. I would get vocal about it, get totally REAL about it (to paraphrase Dr. Phil), really and truly accept your h for the hard-working, "doing the best I can" h for who he is...because IMHO, as soon as you can totally do that, I suspect you will see a man who will blossom under your appreciation and love. And who will be far more likely to meet you in the middle...

In the meantime, of course, take care of LL...get out some, do things that make you happy, shake off some of the, er, malaise about not getting your needs met...get them met! Just do it yourself until h feels needed, appreciated, loved again.

And before you say "I've tried that, it isn't going to work" let me say this...if you ultimately decide to D h, you will have lost absolutely NOTHING by completely, utterly and thoroughly accepting him...in fact, it you totally took the "that's just who he is and this is who I am" to a natural extreme, you may feel nothing but total acceptance and compassion for him, anyway.

(Note: I'm completely not suggesting that "accept him for who he is" includes infidelity, abuse, etc. I personally don't think that's what we're discussing here so I ask thread readers to bear that in mind with my approach.)

Sage