what was I thinking

[sage]

You are completely ignoring the fact that I'm a housewife...I do h's laundry...in sorting laundry you see/feel things THAT is how I found the underwear. I don't inspect it on a regular basis but let's face it if your sorting clothes and pick up a pair of underwear that are cruchy aren't you going to wonder why?

I'm not ignoring anything, LL. I do laundry too (sorting, washing, drying, folding, even picking his clothes up off the floor) and still manage to do it without inspecting his clothes.

Let me say one other thing...there was something in an earlier post of yours where you were irked (maybe not the right word) when h told son he would be home and not you directly (or told him things would be less busy soon, or whatever)...I remember way back when you not being pleased if h would buy you flowers and have the kids give them to you...could you see your way clear to being OK with h needing to use the kids as a communication buffer?

It's not OK Sage.

It doesn't seem harmful for the kids and if it still gets the point across to you, does it really matter if he needs that crutch right now?

That's exactly the point! it's a crutch!

A crutch doesn't have to be a long term solution. It's often the thing that people will use to test out the waters, see how something will be responded to. If you're overlaying receiving h's "messge" with a "I can't believe he's using son AGAIN" negative feeling, all that's getting transmitted is that you're negative about his communication. Not a great incentive for him to keep sharing, IMHO, with or without the crutch.

BINGO! he makes it pretty clear in his actions around here that his return has little to do with a desire to have a r with me and more to "do the right thing" "sacrifice for his family" etc. yes those statements are in quotes because they are words he used upon his return.

Isn't it possible that his thoughts or explanation upon returning haven't stayed stagnant? He wouldn't be the first WAS to offer one reason and later experience another.

When I try to talk to him about it he's got nothing to say but "I'm doing the best I can" "that's jsut the way I am" trouble is Sage those are the very same words he used when I expressed displeasure with our r and guess what he was having an A.

I think you're linking things that may or may not be related. Your h's "I'm doing the best I can" doesn't necessarily have to correlate with an A...he probably does feel as though he's doing the best he can.

Hey look, some women might be perfectly happy with raising the kids, doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, and then spending every evening alone while their h falls asleep in anther room, it might be OK to them that on the rare occassion that their h wants to have sex he wont even kiss her, it might be OK for them but it isn't for me and if that's just the way h is well it's not good enough for me and well he sold me a lie when he came home because then he certainly had time for me.

I don't complain to h anymore...don't question when he'll be home...don't complain when he's gone 12 hours and I don't hear from him...I do my best to let him be..but there does come a time when things need to be addressed..I do my best to not accuse but to simply point out how I feel about what's going on or not going on...when I do that I'm given no response or "that sux" or "I'm doing the best I can" or "that's just the way I am" or "it's a busy time right now" the only response that may seem valid is "it's a busy time" trouble is it's ALWAYS busy...if it's not fall clean ups, it's spring cleanups, snow storms, big projects, getting ready for snow, getting ready for spring, it's always something. It could be the dead of winter with no snow storms in sight and he'll still go to work (to do what I don't know) and then come home and fall asleep.

So talking with him and telling him how you feel isn't working...that's not new. What other ways can you convey this to him?

About the only thing that comes out of a converstation about the lack of us is that he suddenly spends more time with the kids but as soon as they're asleep or it's time for football or foxnews he's gone...back down to his cave. I'm tired of trying to pull him out of his cave..tired of waiting by the cave...tired of leaving a trail of crumbs for him...tired of walking away from the cave and doing my own thing to suddenly realize there's someone hiding in a cave around here...I've been doing that for 15 years and I don't want to do it anymore.

Why is doing your own thing equated with hiding in a cave?

I think I hear you saying that you've tried everything when h is in his cave (pulling, waiting, etc) but have you ever really stopped being pissed at your h, LL?

Sage

Sage

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