There's the behavior that your h was displaying when he was involved in his EA and there's the behavior that your h displays when he's not (some are the same and some are different, right? IOW, I'm sure you can think of some actions from "that time" that would not happen in another time and some that would)
unfortunatley the only thing different I can't mesure because I no longer initiate any physical contact with him (too much rejection...it's not worth it...I'd rather avoid the fight) everything else is pretty much the same. and then there's the MAN behind the behaviors. The behaviors and actions are dramatically distinct from the MAN.
I think I know what you mean, but then I also don't really know what you mean.
Your response to me indicated that you thought I was focusing on the behaviors but what I was really focusing on the man...(and here's where the bluntness comes in)...sometimes when I read your posts I don't get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry with the BEHAVIOR, I get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry or dare I say it dismissive with the MAN. well YES, because the MAN has displayed to me in the past that he is capable and enjoys behaving differently just doesn't continue with it...I've said plenty of times over...I wouldn't mind his sleepy homebody ways if there was some balance but there isn't.
And if I can feel it, I suspect that h feels it as well (though that is an ASSumption and may be truly unfair and just plain wrong).
I'd be willing to bet he feels it a heck of a lot less now than he did pre sep bre bomb. I don't verbally or otherwise complain about it...I just go about my business.
So, it's one thing to say "h is uninvolved in our m because he does this and that" and quite another to say "h is a XYZ man because he does this and that".
I'm saying h is univolved in the m because he CHOOSES not to be and that is a reflection of either who he is or how much he values the r
Don't get me wrong...we ALL do the latter but if we can focus on the former, well, it leaves a much better (not bitter) taste in the mouths of our spouse.
To me, evoking the "beginner's mind" is key to focusing on actions not the self...iow...my h isn't "completely uncommunicative" but he is "unwilling to talk about R topics late at night".
or in the morning, the afternoon, on sundays pretty much anytime is NOT a good time.
Quote: There is just nothing left between us anymore...we are two strangers living in the same house.
Why IS that LL? Seriously. Why do you think that you and h are two strangers in the house?
because he leaves at 5:30 am while we are all asleep, goes about his day, may call when he's on his way home @ 5:30pm and when he gets home @ 7pm, eats, checks the weather, then either sits on the deck on his cell phone, retires to the basement to watch sports or news or just goes straight to bed. so how can we be friends?
What do you think h is bringing to this table?
the security of someone else in the house, a well maintained yard and the bills paid.
But, even MORE importantly...what do you think YOU are bringing?
I make the house a home, I care for the children, I cook for everybody and do their laundry all the cleaning, keep the peace and try to keep myself happy.
