what was I thinking

[sage]

LL,

more importantly it's not about h and I being too different to be together...it's more about h being a player in the sense that he will give the r his all until he knows he's in and then poof back to mr I'll do what I want when I want even if that means acting like you don't exist.

What would you say your role in this part of the dance is?

IOW, you've said that h gets in until he's in and then starts ignoring you.

Are there any changes in YOUR behavior when he's IN? Is it possible that you get more "something" at that time? More demanding? More critical? Less appreciative? Anything?

It doesn't even have to be something particularly insidious or negative...it could be as mild as not listening quite as attentively or whatever.

And, I'm not suggesting for a SECOND that whatever h's actions are at that pivot point don't completely trump yours in negativity but since I can't post to him about his, I'll focus on yours.

C'mon sage, you've read enough of my stuff to know that I'm not just talking about two people being different...I'm talking about no longer being able to stand the inconsistancy with which h approaches the m. months can go by without us having a conversation that isn't "did you call the septic people" "I've got an appointment tonight" and spending time together??? forget about it.

Waht kinds of conversations are you thinking about? R talks or more benign stuff like about the movies, etc?

Is it possible that if h pulls away a bit (which is normal but still hard to deal with) you guys get into a cycle where your get irked that he's pulling away and he reacts to that by pulling away even more which then translates into months instead of days? Again, I realize that this is putting the burden all on you (because couldn't h say "hon, I'm feeling like I need a bit of space right now but I'll be back" instead of reacting negatively to you)...

I let him be...pretend that's "just who he is" but find it disturbing that he is attentive and alert for other things, other people etc.

Why should I once again get the sh!t end of the stick with him? why should I pretend he's a square instead of accepting that he's just a player and I'm just his wife.

I guess I don't completely understand what you mean by "player".

I'm not saying pretend he's a square...he IS a square in your eyes, right? From what I can glean from your posts, h:

works extremely hard at his job
puts the business above other commitments
enjoys serious relaxation at home (tv, couch, etc)
enjoys going out with friends to sporting events

and you:
work extremely hard at your job
like more together time than he does (particularly going out)
have a higher drive than h

and a jillion other things, right?

I'm not doing this well and I'm actually running out of time so I'll get to the point...

what worked wonders for me in my sitch was to stop judging my h for his differences from me. And to kick up the appreciation for pretty much every darned thing that he does. What it translated into was he has a much healthier respect for MY differences from him (though I still occasionally feel as though I'm more tolerant) and he has significantly more appreciation for what I do.

That kind of goodwill just breeds more goodwill.

I know this sounds simplistic but IMHO when I stopped railing against his differences he was much more likely to take a step closer to me. IOW, when I stopped bitching about how all he ever wanted to do was stay at home and watch tv and even started suggesting it and enjoying it, he became far more open to doing what I wanted to do...etc.

I gotta run. I'll be back.

Sage