what was I thinking

[sage]

I tried that before and guess what...I was a fool for doing so...as I sat and defended his lack of presence in this marraige he was off having himself a fling with some other woman...so if I do it now (accept that his lack of presence in the r is just who he is) I'd be
setteling, sad, lonely, pathetic, a waiste of life.

I'm fairly confident that I'm not going to convey what I was really getting at without a) being confusing or b) possibly being too blunt but since I know who I'm posting to, I will err on the side of B and forego the dangers of A.

There's the behavior that your h was displaying when he was involved in his EA and there's the behavior that your h displays when he's not (some are the same and some are different, right? IOW, I'm sure you can think of some actions from "that time" that would not happen in another time and some that would) and then there's the MAN behind the behaviors. The behaviors and actions are dramatically distinct from the MAN.

Your response to me indicated that you thought I was focusing on the behaviors but what I was really focusing on the man...(and here's where the bluntness comes in)...sometimes when I read your posts I don't get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry with the BEHAVIOR, I get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry or dare I say it dismissive with the MAN. And if I can feel it, I suspect that h feels it as well (though that is an ASSumption and may be truly unfair and just plain wrong).

So, it's one thing to say "h is uninvolved in our m because he does this and that" and quite another to say "h is a XYZ man because he does this and that".

Don't get me wrong...we ALL do the latter but if we can focus on the former, well, it leaves a much better (not bitter) taste in the mouths of our spouse.

To me, evoking the "beginner's mind" is key to focusing on actions not the self...iow...my h isn't "completely uncommunicative" but he is "unwilling to talk about R topics late at night".

There is just nothing left between us anymore...we are two strangers living in the same house.

Why IS that LL? Seriously. Why do you think that you and h are two strangers in the house?

What do you think h is bringing to this table?

But, even MORE importantly...what do you think YOU are bringing?

Sage