I am trying my best to detach. It seems to help me deal with W's unpredictability. I let her know that I have forced myself to stop worrying about her when she fails to call or show up on the nights she tells me she will be coming home. I let her know that there is no way for me to "win her back" or change her mind. I told her that I have left the door open and the light on for now, and if she decides she wants to wok on the M, she should let me know.
Yesterday, W told me she picked asparagus. I told her that she shouldn't pick anymore to allow the bed to develop enough energy for next years growth. She said that we won't be here for next years growth. I said, "Why, are you filing for a divorce?" She said Yes. I asked if she already did, and she said no. I asked what her grounds for divorce would be, and she didn't answer. After a brief interruption, I went back to our conversation, and she acted like she didn't say she was going to file. She said "I haven't changed my mind". I said that I hadn't either. She Said she still wanted a D. I said that I didn't want the D, and that while I couldn't stop her from filing, I would not facilitate the D in any way. I told her that I hope she didn't expect the D to make her happy, because the D would make things even worse. I said that while the single life may seem very enticing, it definitely wouldn't make her a mother any quicker. She asked why I would want to stay married to her. I told her that I truly believe that we are soulmates, and that the years I spent with her were the happiest of my life.
She started bringing up the past, and I told her straight out that I made major mistakes that I regret, but that I couldn't and wouldn't take the blame for all of our probs. She said she was sorry for hurting me. I told her that she did more than just hurt me.
She said that it seemed like I was "not trying to win her back". I asked " What exactly do you mean by that? What do you expect me to do? What more could I do? Have I not stated that I was willing to try to forgive you? Have I not tried with every ounce of my being to earn a decent living? Have I beaten you over your head with what you have done? Have I shown you that I love you at every opportunity? What more can I do?" She agreed with all of my points, and softened her demeanor immediately. She then said "How could you ever forgive me? You will always think about this. It will always keep popping up." I told her that i couldn't promise her that I would forget what happened, but I could promise her that once we worked through the problems that led up to the A, and once we discussed the circumstances and some details of the A, that I would eagerly put it behind me. I said that all talk of forgiveness was premature until she was willing to commit to working on the M. She made no indication that she was ready to take that step.
It is (not) funny to think about how she made the D statement, and then back tracked almost immediately. During our discussion, she made a comment about me "preparing for the D". I said " I would be a fool if I weren't preparing for it. You have made it clear that a D is your intention. How would I handle it unprepared if I came home to see someone here waiting to serve me D papers? Of couse I am preparing for it. Of course I am detaching from you. Remember the other day when you asked how long this could go on? Well, there is a limit to how long it can go on."
During the talk, when she was asking about me being able to forgive her, she said "do you know of anyone who has gotten over something like this? I said Yes definitively. She said "where, at divorcebusters, or whatever?" I paused, and she said "You're so serious" I said " of course I'm serious, this is very improtant stuff we are discussing." The funny thing is, I was refering to friends of my Bro who went through a very similar sitch right after W & I got married.(they are still married, with children now)
At that point in the discussion, I got up and said, "You know what I am willing to do, and what I am not wiling to do. As soon as you are ready to commit to working on the M, let me know." I then left to take a shower. After my shower, we had a nice dinner together, and then sat on the porch together for a while.
W is gone tonight, and judging from the past couple of weeks, I probably won't see her again until Sunday. She asked me to call her after my CT scan today. I told ehr I would. She made a comment about me not calling her. I told her that she has made it clear through her actions that she didn't want to talk to me. She said "I never said that!" I agreed, and said, "But you did say you wanted space, and you consistently failed to answer or return my previous calls, so obviously I get the picture, and have stopped calling you."
Well, I am off to get my head examined. As the GM at work pointed out, it should only take a minute or two....(he thinks he's funny) I wonder if the geiger counter at work will tick faster if I stick my head next to it tomorrow.....
