Hmmmm...she's noticing you aren't calling, that's very interestink! She's bound to be wondering why you aren't calling now...now you are doing something unfamiliar to her, foreign compared to you past behavior. I would keep this up if at all possible. I wouldn't be suprised if you do continue doing things for you, backing off of her....if she doesn't find herself pursuing YOU and trying to win you back so-to-speak. Once she feels you may really be letting her go...she might start scrambling to come home.
Just something to chew on...I hope you have a really great weekend!!!
Quote: I would keep this up if at all possible. I wouldn't be suprised if you do continue doing things for you, backing off of her....if she doesn't find herself pursuing YOU and trying to win you back so-to-speak. Once she feels you may really be letting her go...she might start scrambling to come home.
My back off plan is in full effect. I am doing it primarily for my own sanity and increased happiness. W's reaction is an interesting by-product. Her message said she was going on SIL's boat today. She made no mention of when she plans on coming home. I don't really have anything to say to her, so I won't be calling her back.
I was gently reminded by my barista friend that he needs at least one of the two Cappucino machines I am repairng in a week and a half. I just received the parts, so I am staying home today to fix that. It is very hot here (90+) and humid, so it is nice to work in the shop with its sprayed insulation.
I had a hard time justifying a 4 hour drive in an empty V8 for one night of camping, so I am going to go up to the nearby state park and camp on the lake tonight. Much cooler there than at home( we were too cheap to install AC... a mistake! At least I put in plenums for future AC options)
I tend to doubt that W will be home tonight. Poor kitty is bearing the brunt of our absence.
W will feel me letting her go, because I am definitiely letting her go. I don't even wish to stop her from doing what she chooses to do. I am very turned off by what she is choosing to do, and she is slowly but surely becoming someone I choose not to have in my life. It is really a shame, because I truly believe that we were soul mates before all of this conflict avoidance eroded our relationship.
The campground I went to on Saturday was booked. I went for a nice sunset paddle on the lake, and then headed home. My plan was to drop off the boat and go out for a beer, but W was home when I got there. She was cooking the first zucchini of the season, ones that I had been watching, waiting for them to get big enough to pick. She offered to share, which was more than I expected. I was aloof, but greeted her warmly. She asked if I had fun, I told her that I did, and that I was going to camp if space was available. She acted a little funny about it.
After eating, I asked W if she had talked to our pregnant friend. She said that she had (first time in many months) She became a little more vitriolic, and said that Friend had asked where W was living, that she had heard W moved out. At that point she said "It's my house, I am not moving out" I said "Good, I don't want you to." I told her that the only thing I said to anyone up the grapevine from friend was that W was staying at SILs often. W said "This is my house; If it weren't for me you wouldn't have anything" I said, "it is our house, we have both worked very hard to build and pay for it" She said " I want the deed" I said, "why do you want the deed?" She said, "well, I want it out of the fire safe so I can look at it."
That scared me a bit. Is she going to try to work me off of the deed somehow? I honestly don't know where she is coming from sometimes.
I took off my ring the other day to put lotion on my hands, and I never put the ring back on. I forgot at first, and then when I realized that it was off, I never bothered to put it back on. Every time I felt it on my finger, I thought of W, what she has done, and the fact that she is not wearing hers. Saturday night, after dinner, I was working on the computer and she came upstairs I turned around to see what was up, and she said "So, you took your ring off..." I said yeah, I took it off to put on lotion, and forgot to put it back on. “She made a funny face, and turned away for a bit, and then said “Did you go out or something?" I said, "Only to (racquetball friend's)" She sat back down on the futon, and chatted for a while, telling me about her work schedule, that she has been taking yoga 4 times a week, that the yoga guy gives them massages on occasion, and that she and SIL got a bunch of looks when they went into the grocery in their yoga duds. I simply mumbled, "OH".
She was gone all day Sunday. She came home around 9. I was in the process of making dinner for the two of us. After dinner, said “you didn't take off your ring because of lotion, you took it off because you went out to the bars." She had a smirk on her face when she spoke. I said, “I haven't been to the bars in quite some time, and I am not looking for another woman, I am married to you." She then basically repeated herself, as if she didn't believe that I didn't go out looking... I told her that I was honoring my vows. She made a comment I don't recollect, and I said that she had dumped her vows in the trash. She said she was sorry, that she never meant to hurt me. I said, but I was hurt. I then went upstairs to list stuff. She followed me up, and made some more apologetic statements. I was occupied at first with my task. She made a statement that made me turn around. It was a half finished statement, so I turned to see what she was trying to say. She stumbled on her words a great deal. She asked if I was trying to win her back. I asked if it seemed like I was trying to win her back. She said no. I said that there was no "winning", and that I didn't have any ability to change her mind. I said that I was honoring our vows and living a decent life, and that I had no control over what she chose to do. I said if she chose to get a D, then that would be her choice. She said she hadn't changed her mind. I said I hadn't either, and in fact, I bet that neither of us has tried to change our minds. She said nothing.
She is acting jealous that I took of my ring, when hers was in her car for two weeks, since before Easter. It has been in her closet (I think) since Easter. Is she afraid I might do what she ahs done? I told her point blank that I am honoring my vows, but she doesn't seem to believe.
This is the best brief synopsis that I can offer for the recent interactions. My recollection skills seem to run headlong into my deflection skills. When she kicks in with the Vitriol, I tend to lose track of what she is saying. Sometimes it seems like she is looking for ways to hurt me. I wonder what she would have said if I told her that I was trying to win her back...Fat Chance, or something similar maybe....
Today at work, I was trying to figure out the nature of an object in my hands, both the material and the function. As per my normal process of research, I tapped my ring finger on the object to see if it was metal or something else. Funny thing is, my ring was gone, so I couldn't tell. I don't like having my ring off, but I don't feel right wearing it anymore. She has destroyed the meaning, and she is trying to blame me for it.
After eating, I asked W if she had talked to our pregnant friend. She said that she had (first time in many months) She became a little more vitrolic, and said that Friend had asked where W was living, that she had heard W moved out. At that point she said "It's my house, I am not moving out" I said "Good, I don't want you to." I told her that the only thing I said to anyone up the grapevine from frined was that W was staying at SILs often. W said "This is my house, If it weren't for me you wouldn't have anything" I said, "it is our house, we have both worked very hard to build and pay for it" She said " I want the deed" I said, "why do you want the deed?" She said, "well, I want it out of the fire safe so I can look at it."
That scared me a bit. Is she going to try to work me off of the deed somehow? I honestly don't know where she is coming from sometimes.
I took off my ring the other day to put lotion on my hands, and I never put the ring back on. I forgot at first, and then when I realized that it was off, I never bothered to put it back on. Every time I felt it on my finger, I thought of W, what she has done, and the fact that she is not wearing hers. Saturday night, after dinner, I was working on the computer and she came upstairs I turned around to see what was up, and she said "So, you took your ring off..." I said yeah, I took it off to put on lotion, and forgot to put it back on. " She made a funny face, and turned away for a bit, and then said " Did you go out or something?" I said, "Only to (raquetball friend's)" She sat back down on the futon, and chatted for a while, telling me about her work schedule, that she has been taking yoga 4 times a week, that the yoga guy gives them massages on ocaision, and that she and SIL got a bunch of looks when they went into the grocery in their yoga duds. I simply mumbled, "OH".
She was gone all day Sunday. She came home around 9. I was in the process of making dinner for the two of us. After dinner, said " you didn't take off your ring because of lotion, You took it off because you went out to the bars." She had a smirk on her face when she spoke. I said, " I haven't been to the bars in quite some time, and I am not looking for another woman, I am married to you." She then basically repeated herself, as if she didn't believe that I didn't go out looking... I told her that I was honoring my vows. She made a comment I don't recollect, and I said that she had dumped her vows in the trash. She said she was sorry , that she never meant to hurt me. I said, but I was hurt. I then went upstairs to list stuff. She followed me up, and made some more apologetic statements. I was occupied at first with my task. She made a statement that made me turn around. It was a half finished statement, so I turned to see what she wass trying to say. She stumbled on her words a great deal. She asked if I was trying to win her back. I asked if it seemed like I was trying to win her back. She said no. I said that there was no "winning", and that I didn't have any ability to change her mind. I said that I was honoring our vows and living a decent life, and that I had no control over what she chose to do. I said if she chose to get a D, then that would be her choice. She said she hadn't changed her mind. I said I hadn't either, and in fact, I bet that neither of us has tried to change our minds. She said nothing.
SHe is acting jealous that I took of my ring, when hers was in her car for two weeks, since before easter. It has been in her closet (I think) since Easter. Is she afraid I might do what she ahs done? I told her point blank that I am honoring my vows, but she doesn't seem to believe.
This is the best brief synopsis that I can offer for the recent interactions. My recollection skills seem to run headlong into my deflection skills. When she kicks in with the Vitrol, I tend to lose track of what she is saying. Sometimes it seems like she is looking for ways to hurt me. I wonder what she would have said if I told her that I was trying to win her back...Fat Chance, or something similar maybe....
Today at work, I was trying to figure out the nature of an object in my hands, both the material and the function. As per my normal process of research, I tapped my ring finger on the object to see if it was metal or something else. Funny thing is, my ring was gone, so I couldn't tell. I don't like having my ring off, but I don't feel right wearing it anymore. She has destroyed the meaning, and she is trying to blame me for it.
You do not have to explain yourself to her! She will expect you to be doing what she is doing. If she thinks that, so be it. I would not answer any of her blaming questions or respond to any of her comments. Until she is making an effort on the marriage, she would cease to exist. Contrary to what some may think, I think that would be being overly nice about it. Angry Andy's post of the day.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
CSW.... I have no great words of wisdom, only that W is very stirred up, very confused, saying and doing hurtful things, having no clue as to how deeply this effects you. Maybe you can just view her as a tornado that unpredictably blows in. Detach, stay strong, stay calm.
I am trying my best to detach. It seems to help me deal with W's unpredictability. I let her know that I have forced myself to stop worrying about her when she fails to call or show up on the nights she tells me she will be coming home. I let her know that there is no way for me to "win her back" or change her mind. I told her that I have left the door open and the light on for now, and if she decides she wants to wok on the M, she should let me know.
Yesterday, W told me she picked asparagus. I told her that she shouldn't pick anymore to allow the bed to develop enough energy for next years growth. She said that we won't be here for next years growth. I said, "Why, are you filing for a divorce?" She said Yes. I asked if she already did, and she said no. I asked what her grounds for divorce would be, and she didn't answer. After a brief interruption, I went back to our conversation, and she acted like she didn't say she was going to file. She said "I haven't changed my mind". I said that I hadn't either. She Said she still wanted a D. I said that I didn't want the D, and that while I couldn't stop her from filing, I would not facilitate the D in any way. I told her that I hope she didn't expect the D to make her happy, because the D would make things even worse. I said that while the single life may seem very enticing, it definitely wouldn't make her a mother any quicker. She asked why I would want to stay married to her. I told her that I truly believe that we are soulmates, and that the years I spent with her were the happiest of my life.
She started bringing up the past, and I told her straight out that I made major mistakes that I regret, but that I couldn't and wouldn't take the blame for all of our probs. She said she was sorry for hurting me. I told her that she did more than just hurt me.
She said that it seemed like I was "not trying to win her back". I asked " What exactly do you mean by that? What do you expect me to do? What more could I do? Have I not stated that I was willing to try to forgive you? Have I not tried with every ounce of my being to earn a decent living? Have I beaten you over your head with what you have done? Have I shown you that I love you at every opportunity? What more can I do?" She agreed with all of my points, and softened her demeanor immediately. She then said "How could you ever forgive me? You will always think about this. It will always keep popping up." I told her that i couldn't promise her that I would forget what happened, but I could promise her that once we worked through the problems that led up to the A, and once we discussed the circumstances and some details of the A, that I would eagerly put it behind me. I said that all talk of forgiveness was premature until she was willing to commit to working on the M. She made no indication that she was ready to take that step.
It is (not) funny to think about how she made the D statement, and then back tracked almost immediately. During our discussion, she made a comment about me "preparing for the D". I said " I would be a fool if I weren't preparing for it. You have made it clear that a D is your intention. How would I handle it unprepared if I came home to see someone here waiting to serve me D papers? Of couse I am preparing for it. Of course I am detaching from you. Remember the other day when you asked how long this could go on? Well, there is a limit to how long it can go on."
During the talk, when she was asking about me being able to forgive her, she said "do you know of anyone who has gotten over something like this? I said Yes definitively. She said "where, at divorcebusters, or whatever?" I paused, and she said "You're so serious" I said " of course I'm serious, this is very improtant stuff we are discussing." The funny thing is, I was refering to friends of my Bro who went through a very similar sitch right after W & I got married.(they are still married, with children now)
At that point in the discussion, I got up and said, "You know what I am willing to do, and what I am not wiling to do. As soon as you are ready to commit to working on the M, let me know." I then left to take a shower. After my shower, we had a nice dinner together, and then sat on the porch together for a while.
W is gone tonight, and judging from the past couple of weeks, I probably won't see her again until Sunday. She asked me to call her after my CT scan today. I told ehr I would. She made a comment about me not calling her. I told her that she has made it clear through her actions that she didn't want to talk to me. She said "I never said that!" I agreed, and said, "But you did say you wanted space, and you consistently failed to answer or return my previous calls, so obviously I get the picture, and have stopped calling you."
Well, I am off to get my head examined. As the GM at work pointed out, it should only take a minute or two....(he thinks he's funny) I wonder if the geiger counter at work will tick faster if I stick my head next to it tomorrow.....
I'm telling you, as a woman, the type of strength and poise you are showing is so attractive and appealing. Love, kindness, strength, firmness. The whole nine yards, is you.
Keep it up, my friend.
I think there is a little gold in the "win me back" stuff. I'm not sure what she is referring to, or expecting or wanting, but perhaps you can try a few things in the upcoming weeks and see what results you get. Keep reeling, that lil fishy's intrigued by the new you.
I completely agree with Honeypot. You have your W baffled with your behavior. She isn't able to wrap her mind around how you can love her after what she's done to you, probably because she wouldn't be able to get over you doing the same thing to her.
You might try asking her what you "trying" to win her back would look like to her. Perhaps there could be some interesting tidbits in her reply to that question.
The principle is that, if the salesperson had just said "yes," then the conversation dynamic just kind of dies there, whereas if you say "Would you LIKE it in red?" then the CUSTOMER has to say "Yes", and they're much closer to owning it.
It INVOLVES them more.
So my suggestion the next time your wife says something about "Are you trying to win me back?" to say
"Would you like me to try and win you back?"
Choc., who's pretty good at sales, but pretty sukky at this whole Marriage thing...
