LP, I am not able to tell at this point if she "really wants out" but she acts like she does. She is definitely NOT consumed by guilt.
I know I will survive, but I must make a concious effort to do so. I have been making positive changes in my life, but I have done many with the misguided notion that I might be able to save M by changing. I now realize that the change is for ME, and that change may make W change HER mind. Her mind changing is not in the realm of my capabilites, and I have been a fool to hope otherwise. I know that my life will improve with time, and my prospects are good, with or without W.
At times I feel like I am walking on the top of a narrow esker, with rollerskates on my feet. It takes all I have to stay on top, and keep facing forward. It seems like much of the life I loved is sliding down the slope around me, and all I can do is keep myself on track, and watch the rest slide away.
W has gone through a complete makover. She has a new wardrobe(75% hand-me-down, 25% purchased). She used to wear baggy clothes, now all of her clothes are tight fitting, and she has a bunch of new tank tops and tight yoga pants. She started carrying a purse (her first purse in at least 15 years). She now paints her nails (PINK!!!!!!) She is wearing PINK trimmed athletic shoes! (She used to be anti pink in a big way) She is buying all of these weird vitamins and health powder concoctions. Next thing you know, she will start wearing makeup and lipstick. (that is when I will know for sure that she is gone )
I have nowhere better to be, and no plans to leave W. I still have hope that things may change for the better, but that hope has taken a hit in the last week or so. I am slowly putting her out of my mind. She has become nothing more than a housemate, and an absent housemate at that.
It is difficult for my GAL plans to amount to much. My favorite things to do invlove hanging out at home, working in the garden, kayaking, creating... but most importantly, spending time with the one I love. With W gone so often, she doesn't even notice when I look and smell nice and go out for hours. I know the GAL is for my benifit, and for me to notice, but I am having a tought time with it nonetheless.
)
