It is time to become distant. Its time to stop telling her that you love her, its time to really go out and get your own life. What is happening is that you telling her that you love her and know that you will be ok is going to push her away. She is already feeling guilty so you pushing the issue will not help. I would stop calling her unless it is a matter of business. She needs to see that you are okay. She needs to know that you will live without her but would choose to stay with her. It seem counter productive but I know when my wife wanted a D It worked for me.
CSW I do agree that maybe it is time she see's the part of you that is angry. That yes you do love her but also that you are hurt and angry.
I would be distant but loving. You really need to be more mysterious. Give her something to think about. If she sees you as predictable a good 180 to do is to be a man of mystery. Dress up and go out. Put on some new duds, maybe change your hairstyle and be smelling good. If she starts asking questions and shows jealousy at all..Well in my opinion it will show love and desire for you.
SM, I do love this place, but I am not married to it. It was a big effort to build, and we have only been here two years, so I do write about it in a loving way. At times, it feels like heaven here, and other times, it feels like the opposite. Many of our problems stem from the decision to build, both in communication, debt, and stress.
"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war" --Albert Einstein. That is one of my favorite quotes, but alas, I must live contrary to that statement. I have been facing the reality that all good things must end, and that there is a very real possibility that the M is over. That means that we must sell the house and studio. Prior to moving here, my studio was an oversized two car garage, with the only heat coming from the forge (great for above the waist) I was forced to thaw my quench tank in the winter with big hunks of hot steel, and in the coldest months, I would stick the hot stuff in the snowbanks. Those were by far my most creative years. I miss some of the spontaneous (combustion ) work that came from those "hard days". If the D comes down, and we sell, then I will certainly find a place that has a small space for studio, and maybe with the option of building a new shop on the property.
My main feeling about the house is, "it's just a house" It is my M that I mourn. It is my heart that concerns me. My art will be there for me when this all boils over. I will find a way to create. In the meantime, I will make the most of the shop while I have it, and I will get on with the act of getting over W.
The anger will bubble forth at appropriate times, and W will feel me withdrawing. I haven't intentionally hidden my anger, it just seemed to take awhile to bubble forth. Her unwillingness to end contact, her distance, and her lack of common courtesy have finally gotten to me.
I will only call W on biz, since she fails to answer half of the time. I don't have biz to call her about, so I won't call much. I will not be answering my phone for a while, since it is a bit smashed.
My open book mentality has made my IMOM plan tough to follow. I have always had a hard time keeping secrets, even presents. I don't intend to lie, but I will start following W's lead, and keep myself to myself.
I am still feeling iffy about going to the music fest on our anniversary. The day has lost much of its meaning at this point, so I don't know why I feel odd....(let me count the ways...)
W called to say she was on her way home. She offered to do so this morning when I mention my plans to cook fish. Instead, I picked up Malai Kofta, Saag Paneer, and Onion Kulch for dinner. I saved some for her ( I was full )
csw, I'm not exactly clear on why you have to sell the house. In my first marriage, I was the one who left and I left the house, too. Like, y'all we had only been there a couple of years, so all we had in it was debt. He could easily manage the payments on his own. One of the reasons I left him the house was guilt-- so that may work in your favor, too. We also did not have any children. Since I was the one who wanted to leave, I didn't feel I could ask him to leave the house. I know of several situations where the person who left the marriage left virtually everything behind... usually out of guilt. Is there some compelling reason for selling the house-- I know it's customary, but is it necessary?
If she wants out REALLY bad (and I'm not convinced of this yet) and is consumed with guilt, she may be willing to negotiate on the house. However, you're right that new digs might be better for your mental health.
I agree with the others who are saying back off for a bit. Focus on yourself for yourself not for her.
Even though my husband's death was absolutely the worst thing I've ever been through in my life, knowing that he was gone and I would never see him or talk to him again, at the time I remember saying to someone that it might be even worse if he were alive somewhere and no longer loved me... but I survived and, whatever happens, you will, too...
LP, I am not able to tell at this point if she "really wants out" but she acts like she does. She is definitely NOT consumed by guilt.
I know I will survive, but I must make a concious effort to do so. I have been making positive changes in my life, but I have done many with the misguided notion that I might be able to save M by changing. I now realize that the change is for ME, and that change may make W change HER mind. Her mind changing is not in the realm of my capabilites, and I have been a fool to hope otherwise. I know that my life will improve with time, and my prospects are good, with or without W.
At times I feel like I am walking on the top of a narrow esker, with rollerskates on my feet. It takes all I have to stay on top, and keep facing forward. It seems like much of the life I loved is sliding down the slope around me, and all I can do is keep myself on track, and watch the rest slide away.
W has gone through a complete makover. She has a new wardrobe(75% hand-me-down, 25% purchased). She used to wear baggy clothes, now all of her clothes are tight fitting, and she has a bunch of new tank tops and tight yoga pants. She started carrying a purse (her first purse in at least 15 years). She now paints her nails (PINK!!!!!!) She is wearing PINK trimmed athletic shoes! (She used to be anti pink in a big way) She is buying all of these weird vitamins and health powder concoctions. Next thing you know, she will start wearing makeup and lipstick. (that is when I will know for sure that she is gone )
I have nowhere better to be, and no plans to leave W. I still have hope that things may change for the better, but that hope has taken a hit in the last week or so. I am slowly putting her out of my mind. She has become nothing more than a housemate, and an absent housemate at that.
It is difficult for my GAL plans to amount to much. My favorite things to do invlove hanging out at home, working in the garden, kayaking, creating... but most importantly, spending time with the one I love. With W gone so often, she doesn't even notice when I look and smell nice and go out for hours. I know the GAL is for my benifit, and for me to notice, but I am having a tought time with it nonetheless.
Don't be too sure about this. I learned in a graduate class in marriage and family counseling that I took when I got my MA in psychology in 1977 that generally the "dump-er" is consumed by guilt (whether they show it or not) and the "dump-ee" is plagued with self-esteem problems. Having been on both sides of that equation (which I suspect most of us have been ), I think it holds true.
I know that GAL is really hard when you're the one that was left... when my live-in bf moved out (after I got the MA-- we met in the graduate psyc program)--I came back to the empty house and I felt like a three-year-old who had been abandoned at O'Hair Airport. I was 28 years old and totally lost. Somehow you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually it gets better. Sometimes you don't notice until you look back and see how far you've come.
Quote: W has gone through a complete makover. She has a new wardrobe(75% hand-me-down, 25% purchased). She used to wear baggy clothes, now all of her clothes are tight fitting, and she has a bunch of new tank tops and tight yoga pants. She started carrying a purse (her first purse in at least 15 years). She now paints her nails (PINK!!!!!!) She is wearing PINK trimmed athletic shoes! (She used to be anti pink in a big way) She is buying all of these weird vitamins and health powder concoctions. Next thing you know, she will start wearing makeup and lipstick. (that is when I will know for sure that she is gone )
Csw,
Everything you said up there is absolutely normal. My wife did similar things. She was gone a lot always did her makeup so on so forth. If you keep moving one foot in front of the other. She will notice. It is a slow process.
Lee, I realize that it is "normal" WW behavior, but it is almost comical to see and hear her at times. I made a comment about her nail polish (simply stated that I noticed her pink polish) She said, "I have always worn nail polish" (NOT! She is a biter, and when she did have clear polish on, she would pick it off a bit at a time)
I ran into OM's D18 today. She is his favorite DD, and she Graduates from HS on Sat, and leaves on SUn for 4 months of travel. He will be lost without her. She has been a facilitator of sorts, encuraging the A. Way before the A, she told W that she wished she was her mom! Scary!
BIG bonus again!!! I am very pleased with my performance at work. There is a good chance that a major shift in structuring will occur, since one of the main people quit today. This guy had been with the Co for 5 years, and had been BB's friend since age 7.
W is at SILs today. I will see her when I see her. It is nice when she is gone. I have stopped caring where she is. I have stopped hoping that she will sponaneously change her mind and come running back to me(almost a comical hope when you think about it.)
I am not giving up, but I am trying my best to completely detach. I keep saying I have it covered, only to realize when I see her again that I am still hooked. The last couple of days have been a time of transition. I have only briefly seen W, but when I did, I let her start the conversations, and I had little to say. I was positive and happy, but short on words. I didn't seek out her conversation, nor did I reach out with any affection.
Time for some work in the garden, a round of weedeating, and some forging. Fill up the time, and it flies by.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A scab is a beautiful thing-- a coin the body has minted, with an invisible motto: In God We Trust. Our body loves us, and, even while the spirit drifts dreaming, works at mending the damage that we do.
Dress up and go out. Put on some new duds, maybe change your hairstyle and be smelling good. If she starts asking questions and shows jealousy at all..Well in my opinion it will show love and desire for you. 
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), I think it holds true.