SM, I do love this place, but I am not married to it. It was a big effort to build, and we have only been here two years, so I do write about it in a loving way. At times, it feels like heaven here, and other times, it feels like the opposite. Many of our problems stem from the decision to build, both in communication, debt, and stress.

"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war" --Albert Einstein. That is one of my favorite quotes, but alas, I must live contrary to that statement. I have been facing the reality that all good things must end, and that there is a very real possibility that the M is over. That means that we must sell the house and studio. Prior to moving here, my studio was an oversized two car garage, with the only heat coming from the forge (great for above the waist) I was forced to thaw my quench tank in the winter with big hunks of hot steel, and in the coldest months, I would stick the hot stuff in the snowbanks. Those were by far my most creative years. I miss some of the spontaneous (combustion ) work that came from those "hard days". If the D comes down, and we sell, then I will certainly find a place that has a small space for studio, and maybe with the option of building a new shop on the property.

My main feeling about the house is, "it's just a house" It is my M that I mourn. It is my heart that concerns me. My art will be there for me when this all boils over. I will find a way to create. In the meantime, I will make the most of the shop while I have it, and I will get on with the act of getting over W.

The anger will bubble forth at appropriate times, and W will feel me withdrawing. I haven't intentionally hidden my anger, it just seemed to take awhile to bubble forth. Her unwillingness to end contact, her distance, and her lack of common courtesy have finally gotten to me.

I will only call W on biz, since she fails to answer half of the time. I don't have biz to call her about, so I won't call much. I will not be answering my phone for a while, since it is a bit smashed.

My open book mentality has made my IMOM plan tough to follow. I have always had a hard time keeping secrets, even presents. I don't intend to lie, but I will start following W's lead, and keep myself to myself.

I am still feeling iffy about going to the music fest on our anniversary. The day has lost much of its meaning at this point, so I don't know why I feel odd....(let me count the ways...)

W called to say she was on her way home. She offered to do so this morning when I mention my plans to cook fish. Instead, I picked up Malai Kofta, Saag Paneer, and Onion Kulch for dinner. I saved some for her ( I was full )