Time for a new installment of fun and wholesome goodness. For an appetizer, try on Horns of Plenty .
W never called back, and neither did the Doc. What a surprise. I called W at around 10 last night. She was still working, cleaning BIL's office. This is a new job that she failed to mention to me, until I happened to call. Several months ago, she quit cleaning her fathers office, because she was too busy. Now she takes on more work, and she was already much busier. It seems a bit fishy. (BIL H of facilitator SIL) OM lives nearby at his new apt. Tonight her father is receiving an award. so she is attending the dinner, and staying at "SILs" and then AM yoga. She said she will be home tomorrow eve.
I have plans for tomorrow. I will be seeing Derek Trucks with friends. Two friends from out of town are coming in, and meeting with racquetball frind & me. The lineup is Prime Time Funk, Jon Cleary & The Absolute Monster Gentlemen, Soul Stew, Danielia, and then Derek Trucks Band. It is a free show!! I will leave W a note, because I am a nice guy.
Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I am not sure how things will play out. FOr the last several years, we have worked for a friend (w's former best) selling coffee at a Grassroots music fest. 4 intense days of overcaffeinated long hours, but a very good time. I already commited to help again, since friend will not be able to go, with her 3 week old child. W will want to avoid the day altogether. It might be good to be gone. I could use the cash and excitement as well. Sardine like tent living with a bunch of drunk teenagers is not my idea of a good time, so I may be van sleeping. It will be strange being away from on our anniversary, and stranger still not "being with" W for our anniversary. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she will go. Some of her favorite bands will be there (who knows these days??) . Last year, W and I brought OM's daughter to the show and she helped work the coffee shop. We chaperoned, but she is a good kid (18).
Doc finally called today, CT on the 29th. Another dose of rays to the head...fun fun.
I am going to try to stay awake to watch "Lemony Snickett's A Series Of Unfortunate Events." A friend visited tonight, and said he fell asleep while watching it.
I managed to stay awake for the movie. After my post mowing allergy attack, I feel like napping now...I need my energy for tonights entertainment.
This was my first time mowing after three wet weeks with a broken mower. I found parts in AL, so I am back in biz. THe wild strawberries flourished in the shade, so after one pass through the tall stuff, I found myself feeling guilty mowing them, and stopped for a big snack of miniature berries... mmm boy! No thoughts of shotcake, however, I didn't even need a bowl, they all went straight into my mouth...
No word from W. I called yesterday to tell her about the Doc, but haven't heard back from her. I suppose I won't leave a note before I go out tonight. I never said I would be here, and she never asked. As you all say, I need to be more mysterious.
I will rent a couple of the suggested flicks for later in the week. I think W will be around to hopefully "join" me.
Now that I am done sneezing, I have the urge for more of those berries. It would certainly be nice to share with someone (W, where are you?)
The music was great tonight. Multiple stages, and great talent. During set changes, this guy did some perfect Leo Kottke that stopped me in my tracks. I met with friends, we went up to the stage and waited for the headliner. We were early, so I offered to make a beer run. I never made it back. By the time I headed back with the three beers, the "tapers" and crowd had barricaded my way back to the guys I met up with earlier. As I backtracked to find a way around, I ran in to my other good friend and his W. We chatted momentarily, and I quickly offered up one of my burden to them. I then tried to head back up, but my path was thwarted. BB then showed up with his newest girlfriend. I haven't even told him that I am trying to save my M. He is anti-M, and proud of it. We are opposites in many ways...
The music made me think. All live music makes my head work double time. Tonight, just as Derek Trucks roadies were making the last adjustments, W called. She called from SILs, (she claimed, but the # was "restricted" as SILS and millions of others) I was brief on the call with her. She said she was staying over at SILS again. I said I wasn't surprised, and that she was missing out on some fine strawberries that I picked and cleaned for her. I let her know a bit about what I was up to, and said it would be nice to see her tomorrow, and that I hoped she had a good night.
The berry picking today was bittersweet. Sweet, because those gems are the best berries, and bitter because those little red hearts bled all over my hands. W & I once joked about how many berries were on the property, and how our kids wouldn't eat dinner on the days the berries were ripe, after gorging all day. The berries were one of the things that made the land feel special, and sold us on the idea of building here. Sadly, W thinks that was a mistake.
I can't wait forever for this ship to change course, and I am certainly no chump or doormat. I need to live, and love, and share my life. W is choosing not to share with me, and all I can do is shine my light to her while I continue my life and prepare for impending changes.
Lessons learned tonight: There are a lot of single women out there. (BB) Group Plans are tough to carry out (meeting with friend group #1) Plans often change for the better.(IBID) It is good to rub her, because then she purrs (cat)
Still no W... She called again this afternoon, but I missed her call. She said she was going to FIL's, and that she would be home later tonight. I missed her call on my cell, because it was run over by a car last night
I have been doing some thinking today. I am beginning to feel that my hope and desire to save M could be perceived by W as needy/ clingy. When I think about it, I did show my hurt and pain caused by her actions, but I never once showed her any anger. How could I deal with all of this, internalize it, and still want her without getting angry at her for what she has done?
I am not looking to get "even", and I am not looking teach her a lesson. All I want at this point is to feel good about myself, and learn to love again. I am beginning to think that my advances toward W are undermining the efforts I have made toward self improvement. I think that she sees my willingness to forgive as a desperate act to save what we had.
My advances or "seductions" have caused her to withdraw even more, (she has been gone for the last 4 nights). I am not going to attempt any more seduction for a while, and I feel compelled to withdraw a bit myself. I will still be lovingly distant, and will take the opportunity to be intimate if that opportunity presents itself. I think that dogged pursuit of intimacy would be very detrimental to the progress I have made thus far.
W isn't ready for intimacy (with me at least). I think that my affection is counter productive. She is getting my affection when she is here, and OM's affection whenver she wants it. I am not geting any affection whatsoever, and I am beginning to feel some resentment.
I think that perhaps it would be wise to turn my focus inward again, and to make my GAL plans my priority. I suppose it would be a 180 for me to stop trying to win her back.
I really don't know what my point was with this post. I feel lost and alone, and I am having a hard time focusing.
Quote: I really don't know what my point was with this post. I feel lost and alone, and I am having a hard time focusing.
C,
I know you're lonely, but you are not alone.
These many months you have been a beacon, hoping your wife would be able to see through the fog. But you know it's ultimately up to her whether she comes back. She has seen you at your best. She is has also come to the conclusion that she does not deserve to be treated as nicely as you have treated her. Maybe your behavior doesn't ring true. Anyone in their right mind would be spitting mad. C, you must be crazy, stoned, or putting on an act .
Considering your W won't stop hurting you, I think creating loving distance is appropriate. "Loving" might even be too much. How about amicable distance. As far as GAL is concerned, you are the King! You are making the best of your new job, enjoying your home, and having fun on the weekends. Can't do much better there.
There is something I want you to think hard about, though. I feel that in order to achieve a healthy emotional distance from your wife, you need to be able to let go. You need to accept that you might very well lose everything and push all of your chips in the center of the table. What makes D so difficult for a guy like me is that I'm not just jeopardizing my M, but our financial health and my children's welfare. With you it's a little different. You would lose your home. I got one of them too, and although it's a fine home, I'm not married to it. You, on the other hand, found yourself a little slice of heaven. You write so lovingly of your place, it's my favorite part of your posts. You are the Thoreau of the board .
You seem to me to be ready to let go of your wife. Most of us would have thrown her out on her a$$ a long time ago. Are you ready to let go of your home? That is so sad to contemplate. It is your shelter in the storm, the anchor that keeps you from drifting. If divorce did happen, where would you go? Your home is also your art studio. What steps could you take to keep alive your artwork if you had to sell the house?
I'm not suggesting that you plan for divorce. I'm not suggesting that you give up hope of getting your wife back. But you need to come to terms with the possibility of losing everything. Then you might be able to hold yourself with a little less desparation and achieve the emotional separation that you need in order to heal your soul.
Best of luck, my friend.
SM
P.S. Insomnia Sucks .
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I will have to chime in and agree with SM. I wanted to post earlier but did not know exactly how to put it. Plus, I was distracted by the catfight next door.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
While I don't think that "Anger" should be your daily mode to your W (I think it has rightly, and courageously been Loving Consistency), I do think there needs to be SOME righteous indignation in there somewhere. Even Jesus tipped over the moneychangers' tables in the Temple. I'm sure this can't be -- and shouldn't be -- forced, but surely there is SOME convo or recent action of hers that might have called for an angry response?
It just seems to me that she's being a crud, and you grow her asparagus.
I'm going to chime in with the others here....but I'm going to add something to think about. There have been times in my current M and in my past where any sign of true-genuine feelings from my H would have done wonders. Are you angry with me? Fine, show it....do you love me? Fine, show it. I guess what I'm saying (without making this too long) is that it may possibly be confusing her that she knows you are angry with her...but you don't show it, she knows what she's done/is doing is VERY wrong....but she's not really seeing the hurt/anger that should go with what she's doing to you.
Now, I know there's loving consistency....and I do think you've done wonders at that, and it's definitely necessary....BUT (and this is just my opinion here), if I were here....seeing some of your hurt/anger would have somehow (for me) shown me that what I had done really did hurt you. That you cared for me enough to be angry about it....too much loving consistency could almost be perceived as....being a doormat (sorry if that sounded harsh).
I really do think you've done AWESOME!, but it might just be time to show some of the emotions/feelings that should correspond with what's going on too.
I'm really not the best to advise on this...never been cheated on (that I know of) and never cheated...so I'm sure there's others better suited to advise you here.
Thanks for the input. I had come to the realization in the last few days that although I have tried to "let go" of W, I have actually made little progress toward that goal. I bought a book yesterday, "How To Fall Out of Love" or something along those lines. It is a behavioral modification approach, including a chapter on thought stopping, etc.
When W came home last night, she was cold and distant. I asked if she had seen OM. She said that she saw him once, and that they went for a walk. I then asked if she had been to his new apartment, and she said she had stopped in for 5 minutes. I got angry, and she acted like she did me a favor by telling me she saw him. While I agree that it is good that she was somewhat honest, she failed to see any harm in visiting him, and claimed that she isn't "seeing him". It is time for a withdrawal, and a rebuilding of my self.
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