Still no W... She called again this afternoon, but I missed her call. She said she was going to FIL's, and that she would be home later tonight. I missed her call on my cell, because it was run over by a car last night
I have been doing some thinking today. I am beginning to feel that my hope and desire to save M could be perceived by W as needy/ clingy. When I think about it, I did show my hurt and pain caused by her actions, but I never once showed her any anger. How could I deal with all of this, internalize it, and still want her without getting angry at her for what she has done?
I am not looking to get "even", and I am not looking teach her a lesson. All I want at this point is to feel good about myself, and learn to love again. I am beginning to think that my advances toward W are undermining the efforts I have made toward self improvement. I think that she sees my willingness to forgive as a desperate act to save what we had.
My advances or "seductions" have caused her to withdraw even more, (she has been gone for the last 4 nights). I am not going to attempt any more seduction for a while, and I feel compelled to withdraw a bit myself. I will still be lovingly distant, and will take the opportunity to be intimate if that opportunity presents itself. I think that dogged pursuit of intimacy would be very detrimental to the progress I have made thus far.
W isn't ready for intimacy (with me at least). I think that my affection is counter productive. She is getting my affection when she is here, and OM's affection whenver she wants it. I am not geting any affection whatsoever, and I am beginning to feel some resentment.
I think that perhaps it would be wise to turn my focus inward again, and to make my GAL plans my priority. I suppose it would be a 180 for me to stop trying to win her back.
I really don't know what my point was with this post. I feel lost and alone, and I am having a hard time focusing.
