Well, there's another update and I'm mixed as to how I feel.
X turned up an hour late. I said nothing again and opened the door to let DD4 in. I was intending to blank him but he asked me if he could have my old sofa.
Obviously with him questioning me I had to answer, so I told him he could have it.
He looked through my front window to check out my new sofa and then asked me for a screwdriver to undo the wooden frame of the old sofa. This made me laugh, as anyone who knows me knows I NEVER have any tools in my house.
I told him I've got one but it's too small. He asked me to fetch it. I did so, and then he got why I was laughing because you really can't do anything with a screwdriver that small.
He asked me for a knife. I sighed. He apologised. I went and got the knife and he tried that and failed. He said what happened to your tool kit? I said I lost it. He laughed at me.
Another thing people should know is I ALWAYS lose tools, keys, pens etc. I put my credit card through the washing machine once by mistake, but it still works, LOL.
I told him he needs a drill. He said he didn't need a drill for that, he would have to come back and bring his tools. He asked how many days it's been outside, I said 4. He asked me if it stormed on the sofa. I said yes, trying not to smile because he chose the sofa.
He said can I come round tomorrow with my tools? I said yes. Then my ankle gave way and I said 'ouch' and sat down on my doorstep. He asked what the problem is. I told him my ankle is hurting. He asked what I have done to it. I told him I twisted it yesterday whilst walking.
Then he started complaining about all my millions of rose bushes and how he nearly gets his throat cut by rose thorns every time he goes to my front door and that I should get the gardener to come round more.
I laughed and told him about the last time the gardener came round. He comes round unannounced, early in the morning and then knocks on my door asking me to sign his piece of paper.
Last time he did my garden, he knocked on the door while I was still in my dressing gown and said 'Do you want me to trim your bush, love?' So I said 'Pardon me?' and he said 'Your bush, do you want me to trim it?' I grinned at him and said 'No thank you, I prefer mine natural.'
Well, I told all this to X and we both fell about laughing.
I shouldn't have told him that, actually, but since we were talking about the gardener it just reminded me. I won't do that again, especially not with OW2 on the scene.
He told me that him and the girls are going to this music festival tomorrow, and then added that it's in Shipley park, which is down the road from my house.
I stated I wasn't going out (a statement that I am not going to the festival), and then he said see you tomorrow afternoon.
That's it, and I'm annoyed at myself that I dropped my ice queen routine.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing great w/all he's put you through. And if you show a little bit of humor around him, it just shows him that you DON'T need him to make you happy!
Sphhttt!!! <Gabe spews his drink over his keyboard>
I'm going to have to put down the beverage before reading your posts from now on, Jo! Wow! I'm never going to think about gardening the same way again.
I agree with T. The lightness and humor convey confidence, and that removes his power from you in his view so much more that a silent treatment.
Besides, it sounds like BOTH of you were fed a bit by that little interaction.
Boy, does he fumble when it comes to softening and being nurturant, though. May be b/c he's really wary about your anger right now.
I'm the girl at parties who always turns everything into a sex joke. I'm the loud one who is always joking around and some people get offended by it and then I think 'OMG, why did I say that!?'
If I'm quiet it's because I don't know you or I'm angry with you.
But if my innuendo's are too much for you, by all means put your drink down
So you think I did right talking to him? I honestly don't know how to be around him since his temper tantrum and his OW2.
He is never very demonstrative of emotions, Gabriel, only when I'm sexually involved with him. He has a sense of humour but as for showing caring and stuff, he's very guarded and always was. He says as a man he finds it difficult to do emotion.
I don't expect that he will act any different, esp. with OW2 evidently filling his sexual needs.
I am not really DB'ing anymore, just trying to cope with my sitch and it helps to have others to share it with.
I think you sitting still re the R is just right. This is about Andy getting thru the mess he's made, and figuring out what he's losing in you.
IMHO, your interaction with him was perfect. As you've noted many times in your sitch, he responds much better to positives than withdrawal or negatives.
BTW, I've had a sneaking suspicion that he is trying to undercut your book's story with the presence of OW2. My prediction, tho, is that OW2's free will is going to do in his charade rather quickly.
I made this really tactless joke the other day about thanksgiving day to my friend's American bf and everybody sort of looked round and cringed. I was only kidding, tho
I know exactly why my X has been so angry and exactly why he got OW2 so suddenly. Its because he broke it off with me and he feels hurt and his internal emotions are all over the place. I believed him when he said ILY, I think he does and underneath it all, he knows it, but he doesn't want to.
So he fights it, first by getting angry and then by trying to fall in love with another woman (it's exactly the same thing he did after we lost our baby and he admitted that's why he did it at the time).
He will drop her once he realises he doesn't love her, or she will drop him. I almost guarantee that by the end of August that will be dead in the water, I just know it.
The thing that bugs me is the kids, as always, but I can't do anything about it as it just increases the animosity.
I ended my book in March 05 when he said ILY, so I didn't actually say we got back together, just that he said ILY. It kind of leaves it open to interpretation. Therefore he couldn't spoil my story, it all happened.
With it being open, I could even do a sequel if he does anymore dramatic stuff, LOL. I know he is definitely intimidated by the book, though, as he asked for the children's names to be changed so the public won't know which family we are (I'm not).
Jo, I still say you have to talk to Andy busines like, not overly friendly, so he does not keep up the extreem things with the girls. You should do it, not for Andy's sake but for the girls so they see you being strong and stable.
I agree with Lou. Also, what are the repercussions for his bad behavior towards you? He still gets DD4 whenever he wants but you still don't see the other girls? If he wants to see DD4, negotiate with him on when you can see the others. Force him to be fair. If he isn't, he can't see DD4. Give him some of his own medicine for awhile.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you have stated in the past that you have greatly improved the sitch in the past with positive behaviors, and antagonism seems to only escalate things.
However, in your head, you keep assuming the worst, whether its a Christmas card from BIL to X's contacts with you. Why not try acting 'As-If' and see what happens? This doesn't mean disrespecting yourself while he's in an R with OW2, but truly shifting your train of thought so that you reflect a more positive attitude.
With a paranoid guy like Andy, he's likely to be very good at noticing threat, and your anger/resentment of him is not likely to yield positive behaviors from him.
You can limit set, while being positive. You're not some sort of behavioral therapist for Andy, working on altering his behavior via reward or punishment. You are his ex-spouse, targetting the relationship b/t the two of you, altering the piece of it that you are in control of - you. Whether this benefits your R with Andy or not, it will help you with other and future R's regardless.
IMHO, I say shift your attitude and work to interact pleasantly with the BIL, keeping things light and playful with Andy. You can do this while keeping appropriate boundaries up.
<Gabe spews his drink over his keyboard> 
