Quote: I told Wez off once too for misinterpreting one of my posts
Oh yeah, I remember that. But then your thread locked up and I could never reply to that. And here we are full circle again. I didn't misinterpret your sitch, I just misstated my position. I wanted to come back to that because we are back at the kids again. I was trying to suggest (poorly) that you are the bigger person and maybe by showing him that you can bend a little bit on visitation that maybe he could take his head out and do the same.
So why getting back to this. Jo, this guy has kicked you in the teeth figuratively numerous times and tried his hardest to ruin things with your kids. I agree with everyone that has posted he's a jerk. I just hate to see a jerk winning.
And I know that because of him things likely feel unnatural with the three kids he has custody of. But I refuse to believe that they don't love you and want to be part of your life. You're their mother and no OW#1 OW#2 or OW#18,000 is ever going to take your place. Why do you think that adopted kids still seek out their biological parents after so long? It makes me really sad that your jerk of an ex-H has made it seem easier to just not see your darling kids. And I hope he hasn't truly poisoned their minds.
The thing I alluded to all those months (or however long) ago was that maybe if you bend a little so will he. But now today I'm not sure. He sounds like such as ass that I don't know. I had struggles with my ex also about visitation and I always kissed ass/gave in trying keep the piece so that visitation would go more smoothly and that when I did want my kids for my birthday or when my parents were in town that she wouldn't throw a wrench in the works. I think that's what Lou was suggesting too. That it might take a little kissing up, but if you can have your daughters that it's worth it.
Does your ex respond to any of that kind of stuff? Or is he just such a control freak that it wouldn't matter?
The one other thing I neglected to post....about the appearing indifferent and angry when he's around. Are you sure that isn't giving him the impression that he's got to you? That he's gotten under your skin? I would hate that he would have any satisfaction. Uggghhhhhhh
Hopefully this time I did a better job at expressing my point. Would it help if I flirt with you too? Because I will. Just let me know.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well you can flirt with me but I know you're faking it You pursue your XW in a way no other man does on here
Re X and my kids, I have got passed the point where I even care who wins. He can win if he wants, all I want is peace, at any cost I want peace.
I know they love me. I know they have asked to see me. He doesn't bar all contact, he has offered me limited contact, but it's always on his terms and we never agree. If I do agree, then I have to contend with the mind games, and him picking at my mothering continually. It is bearable when he's on his own but when he has an OW he's even worse as he then asks the girls loads of questions about what I say about OW and he's even ruder to me than normal. He will say stuff like 'sorry, you can't have them today because me and OW are taking them to such and such a place for a family day out' etc.
When I tried to tell him I am the mother, let me take them out, he would just say 'I don't want to wind you up but me and OW are a 2 parent family now.' (i.e, she is the parent, not me).
At Christmas and birthdays etc he would say I couldn't have them unless OW could come round as well and on Christmas 03 I remember having to have the now EX-OW in my living room just so I could give some presents to my kids. It was really awful having her sitting on my sofa, watching me with my kids and then X got at me because I wasn't friendly to her.
My view is that if I hadn't asked to have them on DD4's birthday, he would not have sent me that email about OW2 and DD4's birthday would not have been ruined.
If I hadn't asked to see them the other week when he went nuts in the street, they wouldn't have been in the back of the car, witnessing that. I feel to blame that they were caught up in the middle of it, because of they'd just stayed at his place, they wouldn't have seen all that.
He does respond to reasonable, civil conversation (usually) but so far if I instigate any contact with them it is never without some sort of mind game, and of course he then knows my schedule and if I have anything planned and then usually tries to upset me so I won't be able to enjoy what I planned.
On the times I have been really flexible with the arrangements and given him whatever he wants with DD4, he just tells EX-OW that I am a push over and he can't respect anyone that just gives in to whatever he says (she told me that) and if things don't go according to plan he responds aggressively like the other week, or threatens to take me to court again.
He frequently says 'if you hadn't done this I would have let you keep the kids' - like he still gets a power trip out of the fact that he could take them.
The only time it isn't like that is when he is dating me. Then he is more respectful and he doesn't have a temper then, and he doesn't get at me about how I look after the girls. In fact, when he's dating me, he pretty much agrees with 85% of what I ask for. Last time around we only disagreed about my mother and the home ed meetings.
That's one of the reasons I persisted with DB for so long, as everything is so much EASIER then.
I hate to admit it, but it is easier just not seeing them than it is to put up with all of that. I am worn out to the point where I don't care if he has won.
(((Jo))) I understand your feelings. It impossible to deal with someone as irrational as he is. It's disgusting that he has custody of himself even. I suggest that you start (if you haven't already) writing all of the incidents down that you can remember and keep a journal in the future of your interactions with him and the girls. Someday you may have to pursue legal custody of them and having all of his nonsense documented may be helpful.
I know that this has been suggested to you before, but is there a way you can get free legal help in this matter? Maybe not to regain custody at the moment but a way to see them more often and yet not have to see him (ie restraining order)?
You are so sweet, sexy, intelligent, successful, motivated, honest...etc etc. (actually that stuff is all true. Hope you find someone that appreciates it).
I understand. Because you love your kids you want them to enjoy peace, even at your own expense. That's lovely of you. I'm so sorry that is a sacrifice you would even have to consider making.
Take care of you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I used up all my legal aid in the 2 years we were in court last time. I can't get restraining orders because he has a contact order for DD4 so a restraining order would run counter to that. I looked into it the other week and both the police and my lawyer said I couldn't have one.
There is mediation but this is voluntary and with a C and I just know that he wouldn't listen and we'd argue in front of the C and I'm not setting myself up for another row.
I might be able to go to court in a year or so if they re-think my funding, but to be honest, I'm not sure it's fair on the girls to try and move them out of a home they've had since April 02, with a mother they've hardly seen. DD1 also said to me that she wants to stay where she is and in fact she wanted to go with him when he left, she has always been a daddy's girl.
DD2 and DD3 wanted to stay with me but he didn't listen.
I truly am done with all of it, especially fighting.
If he went to anger management and C and he gave up his women permanently and let me home ed our girls too I would re-consider DB'ing as an option, but not unless he did all of those and his C said he was making progress.
Otherwise the sanest option is just to back off and stay silent and basically let him mess everyone's lives up while I try to make mine and DD4's decent.
Otherwise the sanest option is just to back off and stay silent and basically let him mess everyone's lives up while I try to make mine and DD4's decent.
At this point, I have to agree with you. He can't keep the girls captive forever and eventually they'll understand what a nut case he is and how much you did for them.
Just had to share this with you all. I had this really funny dream about OW2.
Andy was with her, except she wasn't a real person, she was one of those pop up inflatable dolls and he was holding these HUGE breasts on this doll except she didn't do anything back because she wasn't real.
Then he got in this 69 position and this doll started making these kind of 'oooh ahh' noises and her electric wiring started to over-heat so she exploded into millions of pieces!
Then Andy said
'Oh dear, I killed her. Dolls just aren't as good as the real thing.'
Then he smiled at me and said he would write a post on the internet, apologising to everyone for being a prat
Andy sounds like he's kicked into a major manipulation mode. No worries - he'll soon burn on the new R.
It sounds like you're not 'feeling' the desire to keep DBing, yet this might be the very mindset to help you sit tight and allow distance while you get on with your work, etc...
All your GAL work will help you to be kind, sensitive, and neutral - increasing the odds for positive interactions for the benefit of your R with the girls - when he comes round next.
Jo. I just turned on the news and see that there have been several undreground/subway bombs and a bus bomb. I know you live in Lnotts and London is not part of your usual travel area.
Jo. I read this post and see and agree you are done with Andy, but not talking to him and replying with short business like answers will keep him in an attached but combative mode. It will serve yor better if you and he shifts to been there, done that, didn't work mode. I want you to see the girls in a netural mode with Andy not mentally being your former or future H, but as Andy just being the sperm doner. IE no emotional atachment to Andy, or the previous relationship with the person.
Andy's involvement with other women needs to be seperated as much as possible from your interactions with the girls. You might have to think of Andy like a jerky brother you don't like but have to see on certain ocassions.
I know Andy makes it difficult for you to act this way but that is the best advice I can come up with now.
I have to travel 30 miles to repair a printer at a dentist office so can't post much more.
In the mean time I will be thinking about you and the people in your country.
Would it help if I flirt with you too? 
Because I will. Just let me know. 
