What most people don't remember is that I've been at this for over 3 years now which means that when he took my other kids they were aged only 2, 4 and 5.
2 out of 3 of these years has been just fighting and courts and stress. I did everything I could in my power to have those girls and even when I had regular visitation, he still made it miserable for me.
He says people always do that in the midst of court procedings and that isn't how he would normally behave, but I have no reason to believe this, since he evidently has no respect for me and does tell lies.
Regardless of his excuse, the fact is he did that and now the damage is out there. I have not had any kind of R with those kids since that age and literally all I remember is stress and courts.
I don't really remember much of them in the marriage. I remember the big stuff, like birthdays and christenings and DD1's first day at kindergarten but I don't remember the normal stuff, like what it was like to look after them on a daily basis or what it was like to sit down together and eat a meal as a family.
I remember their births with precision. I remember exactly how many hours I was in labour, what the pain felt like and who said what during the process. I remember how much each of them weighed and what time they came into this world and even what outfit I first dressed them in (he doesn't, incidently, and even got the year wrong for DD1's birth), but I don't remember any of the REAL LIFE stuff.
There's zero closeness, haunted by dozens of bad memories so even when I do have them, I am just stressed out trying not to do or say something he would disaprove of.
They became the focus point of our fighting, rather than the thing that bound us together, and it killed any semblence of family that I had.
I lost them already, when they were 2, 4 and 5. Nothing I do now will make a difference to that outcome. My mind tells me I should feel more because they are my blood, my genetics, but all I feel is pain and hurt and it's been so long since they were part of my family, that when I am not hurting and feeling angry, I just feel numb, like there is nothing, and that in a way is scarier than angry.
I have no idea how to fix my R's with them. I originally thought if I fixed my R with him, then we could go back to being a family under one roof and I could start to have normal day to day experiences with them, which would help the bond.
But then it became apparent that he lies to me and has no respect so that wasn't going to happen, and now I just feel I am on a losing wicket and not prepared to fight against yet another OW. The previous OW was very obstructive to my R with the kids, she upset me as much as he did and he never asked me to help with the kids because she always did it.
Now it will be the same with OW2.
I am ill all the time. I get migraines on a regular basis (didn't get them in the marriage), I have colds every other week, backache, chest pains, exhaustion etc and I'm only 28.
I don't have it in me to fight for my family anymore and it wouldn't be any use to my kids to see us being like this anymore.
I'm done, as far as I'm concerned, I am done and unless a miracle happens, I will stay done, so I honestly don't see the point in speaking to him.
