Well the diplomacy stuff didn't happen. I told him to go F himself. Great work Jo.
It started yesterday, he sent me an email saying he couldn't come round for DD4's birthday and that no, I couldn't have the kids. (I was supposed to be taking all four of them out today, I'd been looking forward to it for weeks) - he said he'd made other plans and wouldn't. He has never been with dd on her birthday ever.
Not even on her actual birth day. He went to the DIY store and I gave birth on the floor while he was buying shelving units.
Anyway, then he hits me with the familiar speech, 'I am getting a step-mother for the girls.' etc.
He said the same thing on DD3's 4th birthday before EX-OW came along and now he's saying it again on DD4's birthday. It's like he does it on the day I gave birth on purpose.
I questioned him and he said he's met this woman 4 weeks ago and thinks she is it (he has had muliple EA's and 1 PA) and the fact that he's told me means it will be a PA soon if not already. BTW, he will sleep with a woman on first or second meeting if he likes her, he doesn't wait.
I asked him if it was a PA when he was with me which was only 2 months ago (remember he said ILY and he was talking about commitment ceremonies. He said the D meant nothing etc) - he denied having a PA whilst with me, but I think he may have done because he told me that he's known her for several months.
Flippin' heck, EX-OW is still in that house and now he's getting OW 2 while OW 1 is still living there!
He then got angry and started blaming me for giving him chances and said it was my fault for allowing him in the house. I reminded him of the four and a half months and all the stuff he did and saying ILY etc and told him that he can't make out it's me clinging when he did all that. Now I am expected to set his boundaries for him as well as my own.
I told him he did that on purpose to spoil DD4's birthday for me, as he's done it before, exactly, with the others. I then told him to go F himself, or F her with my blessing but don't bloody well F me.
I spoke to EX-OW who tells me that potiential (or actual) OW 2 looks exactly like me, same dark hair like mine, and with a dd the same age as dd4. I find that rather scary. She is replacement Jo number 2, and maybe even replacement dd4.
I had friends round and took DD4 out for her birthday but I spent the entire day trying not to cry and I haven't eaten anything except birthday cake.
He wrecked the entire day, as always - he always does on special ocassions.
I just give up trying to mother those children. He cancels everything I plan and seems to have this sucession of 'step-mothers' for them. How can I fight that?
The worse thing is, I know OW 2 will be in the recycle bin in a few months or a year, once he's tired of her sex and he realises she's not me. That's what always happens - then he'll be back bugging me for more R and SL and I just feel trapped. I was sitting at my desk in tears, thinking how do I get out of this trap, and actually thinking I wish I could just go to sleep and pretend I never met him and never gave birth.
This evening he came to get DD4 for his contact and I was playing this classical music called 'The battle' when he arrived. I opened the door and said 'You're harder to get rid of than an STD.' To which he pretended to laugh but wasn't. I was serious, I was being mean. He actually had the nerve to ask if the girls could come in after he stopped them from being at her birthday and did all that, so I just bit back 'I thought you had a new step-mother for them now.' He looked pissed off at me and asked about these shelves I'd left outside that I am getting rid of so I said he could take them as they are only going to a charity shop otherwise.
Then he went and I shut the door in his face.
I have a really heavy cold and feel lousy. I would feel happy if I knew that was it, but I know it isn't and he's still the damn father so he's got me trapped.
I have been fighting this urge for a new one-night stand (I don't do R's) and I desperately need a hug but there isn't anyone.
You are having a terrible day. I feel for you. Your X seems to have completely lost it. He is even exasperating me now and I live across the ocean from him. Aarrgh!
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
He has done this a few times now and he finds slights that aren't there and lies continuously, and obstructs my R with the kids.
I just feel that he is not capable of a healthy R or a family life and that it may be a long time before he is able to be faithful. I think he may end up very lonely and the kids aren't going to thank him for continually making things this way and alienating me.
I know he will come back asking for more and I've made the decision that I am better off without him now. Honesty is very important in a partner and I can't trust him because he makes it up as he goes along.
I dread to think how these different women are going to affect my kids.
Gabriel - re your other questions on the other aspects of my life. Yes I am still pursuing the law school, but i doesn't start till February next year. I haven't been to my computer course for a couple of weeks because as you know, Andy was agressive and loused up his contact so I had no childcare for DD4.
I will be going to college tomorrow during the day, as he doesn't bring her back till the evening.
My business is not doing well. Since the website has been offline my orders are down drastically and I'm only making enough to cover bills, not pay myself anything so I am having to evaluate what I want to do. I have been thinking of waiting till the other guy finishes my new site and then seeing if I can drum up more orders. My only other option is to close the help line and the site permanently and just work on my books or to quit altogther and get another job where I am employed by someone else.
I am hanging in there for the time being to see what happens before I make a decision.
Book wise, the publisher has finished the draft text layout and he asked me to think up sub-headings to break the text a little so I worked on that all morning today and emailed it back to him. It looks REALLY smart, I am so pleased. I was so obsessive over it, I was working on it in my dressing gown and didn't even put any clothes on till 2pm, LOL.
I'm also writing another book now, as well, and on page 4 of that.
As a card carrying idiot, I want you to know I'm making a motion to have Andy's card revoked. He has sunk below the level of membership in our organization.
Seriously, I'm sorry that he is getting to you so badly. It's not enough for any of us to tell you to not react or acknowledge his behavior. You are only human and we all have our breaking points.
My prescription is a hot bath and a nice glass of wine and block out all thoughts except for the warmth of the tub and the wine.
Hope you feel better soon. I'd come over there and bury my boot in Andy's arse, but I'd need some help w/ the plane ticket.
I wish I knew what to say to turn things around for you. I just know that with your book writing and other skills, you will have a bright future.
OW2 (proves he is nuts), temper tantrums, unrealistic thinking and poor judgement on Andy's part makes it impossible to get along with him. I used to feel guilty about my arguements with my W, but she was on drugs, it would be impossible to get along with any drug addict.
People like your XH and my XW are pros at sucking us into arguments with them. I pray that for the kids sake I can limit the number of disagreements with her.
Jo, keeping writing and dreaming of a brighter future.
Yesterday I went to college, then in the evening X brought DD4 back. He said hello but I didn't answer, in fact, I didn't look at him.
He brought loads of toys round which he'd given DD4 for her birthday and would have rather he didn't as my house is so small, I had just finished re-organising DD4's room and now I have nowhere to put all this new stuff.
Anyway, he gave me this stuff and said something to me (don't know what, was not listening) and then he said goodbye to which I didn't reply and I shut the door in his face again.
It really sucks to see someone we once loved and respected make wrong decision after wrong decision, especially when those choices continue to affect loved ones.
You have a nice way of staying realistic and balanced regarding the limitations a sitch may have, noting that these may be temporary. Nicely done dusting yourself off and getting back at things like Book 2 (wow!) and classes. You are so amazingly resilient.
X's PMA is high right now - perhaps in part cause of OW2. Once the reality hits within that R, you'll see changes in him. I wonder how he is affording all these toys?
DD4 is blessed to have you as her Mommy, Jo. Taking her to see a farm sounds like a great outing.
Boy am I glad you nipped onto my thread. I try to be resiliant but underneath it, atm I am very down. I just tell myself there is nothing I can do so I might as well ignore it and just carry on carrying on.
We went on a picnic today with my friend and her American boyfriend and her S 20 months and that was nice, but I did feel a bit sad because they were being all lovey and stuff in front of me. I've forgotten what it feels like to have someone that cares how I feel.
On the plus side, there were some other mothers there at this picnic so they started asking me questions about breast feeding because of the book I wrote on the subject, and I was answering a few of their questions which took my mind off the whole 'nobody loves me' pity thing.
Another friend also said they would do a tea party for DD4 on Thursday as a belated birthday bash, so that will be nice.
I also decided to get rid of my sofa as X chose it so I asked friend's American bf if he would lift it into my garden for me. He did, and now it's raining on it!
Have got a new bright red imitation leather sofa arriving tomorrow - really modern and not at all me. I'm a natural sort of person and like earthly sort of furnishings so this is like 180 on what I would have done before. I can't afford it, of course, but don't have to pay for it for a year so I hope my books will have earnt me enough to cover it by then.
My next plan is to get rid of the bed we slept in - it was the 'marital' bed and I just don't like sleeping in it now, but can't afford a new bed so that one will have to wait.
I've also decided to start going to the pub in the evenings when X has DD4.
Yes, seeing happy couples is a downer, isn't it? I know that you are feeling 'done' right now, but it is important for you to get going with the GAL work at full tilt the more acting out he does. The books, school, outings with DDs and friends, all this will help you, Jo.
The furniture thing is interesting. My W is doing somethign similar. I appreciate the need to do s/t different, especially if X chose it for you. My W is trying to get me to buy our furniture from her (not going to happen ) so that she can get all new things. I understand the bed change.
This R stuff is rough, Jo. Keep looking for the break in the clouds. The pub outings might be a fun way to enjoy convos and to feel/be seen.
As a man, I ask you to not feel rejected or less than due to the presence of OW2. This is a blatant sign of weakness in X, not a reflection of you. Hold onto that.
) so that she can get all new things. I understand the bed change.