Yaaaay Jo!!!! You go girl!!! Sorry, to al DBers that think we should be doormats in an effort to regain R with S. That's just not me. Like Jo, I refused to be disrespected for "any" reason. Jo, put your efforts to regaining contact with DD's and forget about Andy. You can do better. You have my utmost respect for your latest actions.
My attitude is that people who try to help themselves deserve chances.
My X doesn't try to help himself and he always blames me for his failings. IF he ever acknowledged he needs help and made an effort to improve, I would forgive him.
As long as he continues on his present path, he will not be getting more chances from me. I need to see him making a genuine effort to address his issues, or I am staying single.
I think DB is a good idea but in manipulative individuals it can be used by the WAS as a means of walking on the LBS. Validation has it's place but can be over-used, as can post separation sex.
If the sitch is protracted, validation and intimacy can be taken for granted and the WAS can get complaceant, and end up using the LBS.
I am now past the stage where I can try on my own and I won't validate him when he shows so little respect for me.
I don't believe he's malicious, I just think he's mentally screwed up. If he asks for help with his mental health issues, I will help him, but since he is in total denial of his behaviour, there is nothing I can do except get tough and look after me.
As for other men, they are not on the agenda. If you don't go out with anyone, you can't get heart broken. If you don't get married, you can't get a divorce.
I am happier and can manage my life better as a single woman, and I think sex and relationships are over-rated anyway.
Re more contact with the kids, I wouldn't do that more until he gets control of his temper as I can't risk more outbursts in front of them, it's too damaging for them. Peace for them is more important, and I have to make sure that they are not subject to events similar to last week (which they were on a regular basis in the beginning and that's why I decided a one parent family was less cruel than 2 fighting parents family).
I will dip my toe in a little and see what happens next time.
I felt crushed for you when I caught up with your posts. I hope you're taking good care of yourself!
You said s/t earlier that was my exact thought. He needs IC and anger management tx. Once done, then there's a starting point. But without it, you're asking for yet more acting out. It seems that he's forgotten how to be in a normal R, with appropriate boundaries, and giving to the other, and rules of expression.
You and I share the same attitude about future Rs.
I'm panicking. As you know, X took my other 3 DD's camping and now there is a horrible storm. It's totally black outside and there's lashings of rain and thunder and lightening.
My little 5 year old is in a tent I thank God I didn't let DD4 go too.
Do you think little kids are okay outside in a storm? They are down South so maybe there isn't a storm there.
I can't call X to find out if they are all okay, because of the latest circumstances.
I hate being separated from them, there is always something to worry about.
Try not to worry, I am sure that H will make sure that they are safe. He may not be the best person, but I am sure that he would not let something bad happen to his children. Do you have some sort of a weather channel there, I know that here there is a 24 hour channel or maybe even look on the internet for weather conditions for where they are. Linda
(((Jo))) Hopefully XH has enough sense to keep them safe. Is there a site you can go into to check the weather wherever they're at? Also, is there a shelter of some kind at the campgrounds they can go to if necessary? Try not to worry. There's really nothing you can do but wait it out, I'm afraid. Jill
I thank God I didn't let DD4 go too.