I thought of meeting Andy because there is zero trust between us now and even if there is no R, there is the kids and I am not legally allowed to bar his access so we have to have some level of cooperation or we will just end up ripping each other's eyeball's out.
I decided not to meet him after all, though, as I am still a bit freaked out by what happened, so I sent him a text cancelling it and went to stay with my friend for 2 days.
He text me saying I can't keep running away. He tried to phone me twice but I cancelled his calls. He text me asking me not to cancel his calls and said 'we need to talk.' I switched off my cell phone.
Had a fun time with my friend, helping her with her wayward 12 year old S and 20 month old S, and my DD had great fun playing with them. It was boiling hot so we sunbathed in the garden and got the paddling pool out.
I did housework for my friend while she was at work.
When I came home this afternoon, there was a phone message from Andy, sounding rather pissed off because I wasn't in, threatening me with court as usual. I also found FOUR emails from him, 2 about not being a victim etc and 1 rather threatening about me not ruining the children's holiday and 1 asking what was going to happen with the contact now.
I responded to his 1 reasonable email with an indepth explanation as to my point of view. Here's what I wrote:
I stated via text that I wasn't doing this holiday because of what happened and in fact I never agreed to it as I didn't respond to your original email about it - you already had her for 8 days recently.
I originally thought I would let her go after you told me you'd booked it and even bought her a camping set to go with you, BUT I didn't bargain on the level of violence I was subjected to and quite frankly I am scared of you snapping and taking her, or hurting me, because you'd quit that behaviour about a year ago and I'd had no more of that kind of treatment from you and then suddenly you just flipped and attacked me, unprovoked, in front of our other children.
I honestly thought you were reforming your character and that you didn't do things like that anymore, and even after you 'left' me again this last time, I have tried to be civil and friendly towards you and acommodating to what you want with our dd - I agreed to everything you asked for an even invited you and the kids to her birthday and that is how I am treated. I feel like a doormat.
It feels to me that unless I agree to everything you say, never make any mistakes or have any misunderstandings or alternatively have sex with you to keep your temper even, that you just lose it and threaten me with court, intimidation or whatever.
You use court or threat of court as a beating stick and I am sick of it. You have serious control and temper issues and I think you're quite messed up, but I draw the line at you chasing me and threatening me with a very large car. That just isn't acceptable, no matter what the misunderstanding, and especially swearing at me in front of our girls like that. DD 2 was already in therapy. Do you really want to make her worse?
This is the main reason why I cut my own contact with them is because I didn't want them to put up with it anymore and I lost faith that it would ever get any better.
If you remember, I didn't actually deny you contact last week. I agreed to your weekend away provided you informed the nursery staff for me. I misunderstood the time as being 10am because I was tired and had a virus and I didn't hear properly. I got up early to get her ready for you and told her you were coming.
We waited nearly 2 hours for you and I thought you were angry at me for being ill and not being able to have the other girls, so I took her to nursery and intended to nap while she was there as I still didn't feel well.
When I came out of the school, I didn't see you. I had a fever and felt like death. The first thing I knew you were up in my face, swearing and cussing at me in front of the kids. And then all that stuff about 'parading them' in the nursery school because I'm non-custodial, well, that's emotional abuse of me and unforgivable since I didn't choose to give them up - you took them. That is why I turned away and carried on walking. I don't respond to threats. How do you think our DD's would have felt at being 'paraded' anyway? They are human beings and I'm sure that would have upset them as much as me.
If you had simply asked me what was happening and explained to me I had got the time wrong, I would have gone in there and got her back out for you.
I still said to you after that point that you could wait till after her session and then take her, so I still wasn't refusing your access. I would have let you wait at my home but you just kept using the F word, shouting about being late as if I am not even another human being, trying to trip me up with your foot etc. I was REALLY scared.
That is why I decided not to let you take her at that point and I DIDN'T ask to be threatened with your car. I genuinely thought you were going to hurt me or worse and I can't remember the last time I felt so afraid. I didn't think you could be responsible for our DD when you were already behaving so angry in front of the others, and in charge of a vehicle.
I was in a state when I returned home, thankful that DD was in nursery and hadn't witnessed that. She is a well balanced child because I did it on my own and she was too young to remember previous stuff you did like that. You keep telling me how much the other's are affected, I don't want it to happen to her too.
I had a friend round to console me and I am away with friends now to get my head together and try to get to grips with what you did as I haven't slept well since and keep jumping at every silver car I see.
I would be prepared for you to come round on her birthday and for all of you to spend the day with us as I have already invited you IF there is no intimidation, threats, mention of courts or physical/emotional violence.
Then you may have her in the evening (7pm onwards) until Monday evening, BUT if you do any of the above or try to retain her, I WILL pull your contact as I DON'T have to put up with domestic violence. I will only agree to holidays again etc once you have proved to me you will not use your temper against me as there has to be some level of trust and quite frankly, you have no understanding of trust.
Let me know if you all will be meeting us for her birthday treat or whether you would prefer not to join in.
