I like Louise Hay, I have 1 of her books. I also trained in psychosomatic medicine which is the study of illnesses that are caused by emotional states. I had to do anatomy and physiology, immunology and counselling as part of the course, which I got an A grade for.
Apparently, divorce kills more men than cigarettes, according to this medical study I read.
I'd quite like to write a book on that subject myself.
Anyway, TAG, the main difference between yourself and my X is that you recognise you were controlling and you are trying to put it right. Andy isn't. He refuses to acknowledge his part in our M break up, he refuses to acknowledge that he isn't fair with regards to our children, he doesn't recognise his anger problem and tries to justify his actions all the time.
If he was like you and was making a genuine effort, I would have him back.
It's definitely to do with his upbringing. Even his reason for wanting a D was 'my mother was happier when she got a D so I thought I would be too' (his exact words).
His father beat his mother round the head with a walking stick and threw plates at both of them while they hid behind the settee.
His father strapped him into the back of the car and nearly drove him off Dover Cliff. His father was an alcoholic and still is an alcoholic - although he is nice when sober.
But having said that, MY upbringing was the same as his and I don't have such major control issues.
Jo, So puzzle me this, if "you are trying to put it right" you see it our past counselor sees it for that matter evertone sees it, why does my W campaign this divorce? She's 57 and today was our 34th wedding anniversary. Her family is scattered around the country. What am I missing? Michelle has a wonderful article entitled "foregiveness is a gift you give yourself." Why doesn't that resonate with my W if I've changed so much?
That's because you're making these changes for you, not her. Primarily GAL is about YOU, to make you a better person.
You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness. If she fails to notice the person you are becoming, that is her problem, not yours.
Just as I have moved on mentally and professionally in a lot of ways and Andy is still stuck with the same cycle of insecurity followed by negative outburst. I cannot make him see the person I am, nor can I make him see how his behaviour and responses to me have just been 'stuck' for years.
It is his problem if he cannot see the beauty in me and the same goes for your wife. If she's still caught up in past actions, cannot forgive you and persists in her D drama then she will be the one who loses out.
Forgiving yourself does not mean that others will forgive you - you cannot control her actions. It just means you have a greater chance of being happy.
Someone wrote that an affair is an 'embodiment of entitlement fuelled by a lack of respect' - well, I think the same goes for any WAS, affair or not. Their actions are fuelled by a lack of respect.
I also think that all WAS's including your W are depressed, like some type of breakdown. You have this life that you think is going well and then suddenly - BOOM - it falls apart.
From reading about your W and her vindictive attorney letter's and then expecting you to pay for them, well, these are the actions of a depressed person.
My X did the same. He still does the same because he isn't happier after a D like he thought he would be. He thinks he can use lawyers and even get physically threatening because of this depression and distinct lack of respect for me.
She won't see you for who you are until she changes herself.
It takes 2 to break up a marriage no matter how much the WAS blames us.
Today X phoned. I thought it was my lawyer or work so I answered.
He said we need to talk. I said no we don't, I've got nothing to say to you. He said we do need to talk, we can't go on like this, we have to communicate for the children.
I said it's too late, I am done trying to communicate with you. I have spent 3 years trying to communicate with you and as far as I'm concerned it's over, finished, dead and way too late.
He said we still have to get on for the kids. I said I don't HAVE to do anything.
He said he had tried to contact me over the weekend and I was ignoring him. He said that he'd said sorry.
I told him that it didn't matter anymore, I wasn't bothered if he was sorry. I'm done and he can say what he likes because I'm not interested. I said that he just totally disrespects me and always has since he left and that he thinks he can just apologise and I'll be sweet after he has done that and kicked me and sworn at me etc in front of our children.
He denied kicking me so I reminded him of what happened and he admitted to putting his leg out and stopping me from walking but then started to try and justify his actions again so I put the phone down on him.
A minute or so later the phone rang again and I answered. He said 'it's me.' And I put the phone down again straight away.
(((Jo))) I just got back from vacation and read your newest drama. Wow!!!! I'm so proud of you for putting a stop to his controlling behavior with you. Unfortunately, because of the way he is, this will be a very long ordeal before he "may" understand that you mean business. Be strong. You must take a stand for yourself and your girls. I wish I could give you a hug and be there to cheer you on. Don't give up. He needs to hit rock bottom before he'll change.
Luv ya, girlie. Again, I'm soooooo proud of you. Jill
I am okay, surprisingly okay. No tears here at all. I have had a headache but I got rid of that with lavender oil.
I have never put the phone down on him before, not ever, in 11 years and I've never told him it's over before so this is major. I felt really powerful when I managed to put the phone down the first time and then when he rang back and I did it again, I just thought, YES, I can do it!
It's TOTALLY out of character for me so he must be really freaked out.
I've been listening to all this WAS music like 'No more' by Craig David ('I don't love you no more' blah blah) and 'I'm walking away' etc.
I feel as if I have turned into a WAW and it actually feels great.
There is a heat wave here atm so me and DD4 went out walking and had ice creams and we had a great time.
Thanks Jo. Please don't take this the wrong way but for all the distance and youth you just provided me a very inciteful message at a critical moment. Regarding your H like my W we can't change them they need to change themselves. I realize it but find it sad they they are anchored in the past when the current could be so exillerating. ciao
