I may be missing something here, but I still think this all hinges on whether or not W has any desire to become a better lover. If she’s not interested in making the effort, what does it matter what I ask for?
Maybe they haven’t been the kind of things you think I should be asking for, but I have asked for things in the past. In this very thread, I mentioned that I’ve asked to try other positions, only to be met with, “Let’s just do this.” In my mind, that was the easiest of requests: it doesn’t require any change of routine or doing anything we weren’t already doing. All that I asked was that we do what we were already doing in a slightly different manner. I wasn’t asking for anything exotic; in fact, my most common request has been for her to get on top. We’re still talking pretty plain vanilla here.
I’ve also asked for a massage – something I do for her on an almost daily basis. Sometimes I get a little bit, but generally it’s not much. Sometimes she’ll apologize and tell me that the carpal tunnel syndrome she got from years of decorating cakes just makes it too hard. Other times she’ll do it for a minute or so and then just quit with no explanation. I don’t want to discount any pain that she might really be feeling, but it seems to me that she’s just not putting a lot into it. And even though I’ve mentioned it several time, she has never once offered a massage without being asked.
So if W is just using her assertion that she’s a bad lover in order to allow herself to be a bad lover, no request for any baby step will make any difference. I agree with MrsNOP that “why” questions are usually non-productive, but I wonder if I might get better results that way. I know I wouldn’t get a straight answer, but maybe, just maybe, she might think about it.
