After replying to some of the posts that came in over the weekend, I think I want to add a little recap.
I recognize that a big part of the problem is that I’ve allowed MrsBube to get away with too much for too long. I accepted the sexless years and her assertion that she would “work on it” herself. I’m still accepting that she goes first. I’m still accepting more or less disinterested missionary position sex after she’s had her O. I’m still accepting that oral is a one-way street. I’m accepting her assertion that she’s a bad lover without saying or doing anything to address the truth of that assertion. Clearly, the path to a fuller and more satisfying SL is for me to stop accepting whatever she chooses to offer and asking for something more.
My big issue/question at this point is figuring out how and when to change my level of acceptance. Since W has well known and well documented issues with sex, with self-esteem, with anger, with what the C called a narcissistic personality, with allegations of sexual abuse in her past (allegations which I still don’t think really rise to the level of abuse), and with unwillingness to communicate, I really don’t know how to proceed. I’m not she, and I don’t really know what’s going on in her head, but it seems to me that she’s very insecure in her sexuality. As MrsNOP has so comprehensively listed, there are any number of things that W may be thinking when she comes out with her bad lover pronouncement, but I do believe that W really does believe that she’s a bad lover.
The first and biggest question is does W want to be a better lover. The next is, how do I best help her to achieve that goal without aggravating any of the known issues and problems listed above. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells when I try to approach things like this. If her sexual confidence is really as fragile as I think it might be, I don’t want to damage it further.
