Quote: but my point about Mrs. ZB declaring herself to be a bad lover was NOT about her feelings but about her definition of herself and what actions might fit within that definition. It's the way some people say they can't cook, they are no good with computers, they hate math, they can't sew. People who make those declarations are also saying, don't ask me to cook, fix the computer, solve for 'x' in this equation, or hem this dress.
You are assuming that is what she means.
She may be saying it because she feels guilty for not participating more, and ZB's assurances help quell the discomfort.
She may be saying it because she has some nebulous idea that she should be doing more, but doesn't have a clue as to what it is.
She may be lazy and saying it to keep ZB from pushing her for more active participation.
She may be perfectly happy the way things are and getting some sense of controlling & manipulating ZB by whining at him so she can get assurances that she's knows he doesn't really believe.
The fact is - we don't have a clue.
NOP wrote in his earlier time here: "She has been telling me for 2+ decades - "I will never be sexy". Like a twerp, I thought that if I could ever get her to have frequent sex again, I could interest her in having fun with it."
Doesn't sound like a very positive interaction. And it wasn't. How would you interpret what I had said?
"Stop asking, buster, it ain't happenin'?"
"Look, NOP, this is as good as I'm going to give, learn to deal with it."
"I don't give a rip what you want, you aren't going to get it."
"I'm not a good lover, so don't ask me to be."
The answer is none of the above. I doubt anyone here could guess what underlay beneath it.
It was this.
I knew from early in our relationship that NOP had had quite a lot of sexual experience. I was pretty inexperienced, though not totally ignorant. I felt at a disadvantage when it came to sex AND it didn't help that I didn't have a clue on how to orgasm. I wanted to be sexual, so I faked orgasms, not in order to fool him but in order to protect myself from embarrassment for being a dud. Later on I confessed, repented and apologized and we went forward from there.
What I felt for years was that he had this image of sexuality that he wanted me to exude. I'm more the girl next door type. Aretha Franklin, as chubby and outside the norm of natural beauty as she is, can exude sexuality. I *felt" the undercurrent of expectation. And I *knew* that that sort of sexuality was not within my natural being.
I was not saying that I could not be sexual. Or that I couldn't be creative sexually. Or that I hated sex with him and hoped he would eventually get over it.
I was saying that I felt like I could never measure up and it left me with the sense that no matter how or how often we made love - that as long as I couldn't do the "sexy woman" that it was never good enough.
Now, if NOP and I can miscommunicate and misunderstand each other for so long over the assertion I made, I am firmly convinced that there are many permutations of meaning possible from MsZB's comment.
