Creeping Dissatisfation

[SolidMechanic]

MsZB doesn't have to decide whether she wants to be a good lover OR sexy, she just has to decide whether or not she wants to act upon ZB's request.

Acting upon ZB's request is an act of love and care. By leaving out the "good lover or sexier" feeling aspect of it, you eliminate the aspect of asking her to change.

OK, I guess I'm kind of dumb and I don't get the difference between asking your W to do something she doesn't want to do and asking her to change and to be someone that she is not. Mrs. ZB has come to the conclusion that she is a bad lover. It's not just about the choices she has made about what sexual activities she will engage in. It is also about the feelings that she has about those activities. If my partner enjoys giving BJs, she might give me one without loving me all that much. If she thinks they are revolting, she would have to love me an awful lot before she would go that far. So Mrs. ZB's feelings about sex aren't trivial. I get the impression that she feels like she is a bad lover, not just because she is unwilling to try different things, but because the whole enterprise just creeps her out.

You say that "(a)cting upon ZB's request is an act of love and care", but couldn't Mrs. ZB easily turn that on it's head? Couldn't she legitimately respond, "Bube, you know how much the thought of giving oral really creeps me out. If you really loved me, you wouldn't press the issue." This is where Mrs. ZB's feelings are absolutely central. I imagine (I don't really know) that she may be deeply ashamed of her body, of her performance as a wife, and of her femininity. These issues were probably there long before ZB got there. There is a possibility that Mrs. ZB can do more in the bedroom as an act of love and caring, but until she is capable of confronting this cracked image of herself, won't she just be faking it? If she never learns to get in touch with that part of her that is open to enjoying her own body, would she really ever become an equal sexual partner?

WB, when your wife says she is a bad lover, instead of helping to bail her out of her self-defeating thoughts, why don't you try to lead her to exploring those feelings? Maybe you could respond "What makes you think you're a bad lover? How does that make you feel? What is going through your head when I start touching you sexually?" Try to lead her to express the feelings she is having about herself. Don't try to talk her out of her feelings. They are legit. If she says "I'm fat", rather than jumping in and saying "No your not" or something lame like "That means there is more of you to love ," you could respond "I bet that's really painful to have these thoughts about yourself."

Gee, it sounds like I'm asking you to be her shrink. You might not be in a good position to do this yourself. She could probably use some individual couciling. But you can help in your conversations with her if you help her go through her negative feelings instead of avoiding them.

SM