Quote: I really liked Mrs. NOP's comments about when your W says she is a terrible lover, you tell her specific things she can do that will make her a better lover (like rubbing your back)... BUT
Here's the (excuse the expression) BIG BUT...
Are we sure she wants to become or be considered a Good Lover?
That's the conundrum that Mrs. NOP's excellent suggestion discloses: I think your W is saying "ZB is a good lover and I'm a terrible lover, but that's who I am and I don't plan to change."
Does she see sexiness as a desirable quality in a woman? I don't think she considers being a Good Lover something a woman should aspire to. If even your mom thinks her ideas about sex are weird, I'll wager she doesn't want to be sexy OR a good lover.
But this is moving the goal post from a specific request that MsZB can choose to act upon to a discussion of feelings. MsZB doesn't have to decide whether she wants to be a good lover OR sexy, she just has to decide whether or not she wants to act upon ZB's request.
Acting upon ZB's request is an act of love and care. By leaving out the "good lover or sexier" feeling aspect of it, you eliminate the aspect of asking her to change.
Asking her to touch him before he touches her (for ex.) has no more impact on her sense of self, than if he had asked her to brush off the back of his jacket before he helps her on with her coat.
It's not about feelings at this point, it is about choices.
