Quote: That’s not my take on it. I may be wrong, but I think she’s just too self-absorbed. Our C diagnosed W as a “narcissistic personality”. I tend to agree. I think that plays into her uncontrolled spending. I see signs of it in her parenting. It’s everywhere.
To me, self-absorbed and self-important are pretty much the same thing. They're both inner-focused.
Quote: Actually, I really don’t have much expectation of getting anything in return any more. I don’t mean to portray myself as some altruistic saint or anything, but I do it because I know she likes it and I want to do it for her. This past year has been much better, but I know I’ve said that prior to this big change about a year ago, all I got in return was a half-hearted HJ – if that.
But wasn't your goal to hopefully be the recepient of some sexual release? In other words, for you to even get a chance at a hj, you had to go through the process you've described.
Quote:
Many times she just drifted off to sleep. Sometimes she would even drift off to sleep while giving me the HJ. Once she woke up, I would get an apology and she would tell me what a good lover I was and how lousy she was, but that goes with the next question.
Did you ever let her know how hurtful this was? Or did you answer with a "that's okay, honey"?
Quote: I’ve heard it on a number of occasions. Generally it comes along with a compliment on my LM skills. She’ll tell me how good I am, then follow it up with self-deprecation: “You’re really a wonderful lover. I’m not any good at all, but you’re fabulous.” Other times it was coupled with an apology after having fallen asleep without reciprocating.
So should I respond with, “What can we do together to make you a better lover?”
I don't think so, because the focus is still on her. You would be looking to someone who has been content as a self-labled "bad lover" for ideas on how to be a good one.
I think you should ponder what gentle step she could do that would make you feel better about things sexually.
I would consider approaching it something like this. Perhaps next time it comes up (if it does so regularly), if not you might have to instigate.
"Honey, I've been thinking about your concerns about not being a good lover. You know what I would really enjoy next time we make love? I would love it, if I could lay back and let you caress my skin all over, front and back for 10 minutes or so. That is something I would really enjoy from you."
