I would agree with MrsNOP that your wife can and needs to make a choice. (As an LDW myself I am trying, with some success, to do that myself.) She has obviously tried to do that to some extent by choosing to be more available to you sexually on a regular basis. She has come a long way. But I think next steps could be furthered by her learning to enjoy it more, by her learning to give you pleasure, and by her improving her selfesteem.
I think that increasing her own enjoyment might help to motivate her. It sounds as though you have already done a lot yourself to ensure her pleasure. It would be good for her to take some responsibility for that as well. I am wondering if she knows how to MB? If not, would she be willing to try it? I think she might learn a lot about her own sexual response and it might increase her pleasure. Also, would she be willing to sometimes self-stimulate during IC?
Furthermore, I think it could be helpful for your relations if she could play a little more equal role in giving you pleasure, as you have so obviously spent time and effort to give her pleasure. Perhaps it is lack of self esteem that causes her to give up and simply say "I am a bad lover". But I don't think any of this is necessarily inborn or unchangeable. People learn to be good lovers by practicing. After all, you have learned to be a good lover to her by trying things that you think she would enjoy. She may never be able bring herself to do some of the things you would enjoy (such as BJ's) but it may be time to talk with her about how you wish the effort were a bit more equal. Does she ever initiate? It takes some confidence to do able to do that.
All along, of course, it's important to work on the other aspects of your R such as companionship and communication. If she truly has global self-esteem issues, not just a lack of sexual self-esteem, have the two of you considered individual counselling for her? (or maybe in any case, even if it's primarily a lack of sexual self-esteem).
Do the two of you enjoy any nonsexual activities together? Seems to me that a lot of this is all about increasing the joy in life. People need to have joy and fun together, both sexually and not. What about the possibility of taking regular walks together while holding hands? It might give both of you: companionship, generalized (rather than genital) sexual/sensual pleasure (which might be less threatening to her), and exercise (which might ulitmately help her weight problem and her thus her selfesteem).
You sound like a very caring and considerate individual. I wish you the best!
Doglover
Quote: Mrs.NOP,
Excellent points all. So instead of trying to build up her self-esteem, you’re saying that I should acknowledge the problem and try to map a course to a better place. So instead of responding with, "No, Mrs.Bube, you’re a wonderful lover”, I should be responding with something like, “Why do you think you’re a bad lover?” followed up with, “How can we work together to rectify that?” Do I understand?
Zufriedengestellter Bube
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
