Quote: Similarly, W knows that she has problems with sex. She knows that in nearly thirty years of M, only the past year has even come within telescope range of being normal and satisfying. She doesn’t need me to point it out to her; she tells me that she’s no good at sex, that she’s not a good wife, and that had she known she would have such problems with sex she would never have married.
ZB, this is an assertion of the problem. This is the *starting* point. The mistake is allowing this to be the ending point. The next step is to determine how to go about doing something about it.
My problem is low libido. NOP's problem was anger. Our mutual problem was how our expression of these things damaged our marital relationship.
So, now we all know what part of our problem is. But, if the both of us just left it at that, we would still be back in the withdrawn, damaged marriage we used to have.
NOP looked at his anger issues and began addressing them. I looked at my libido issues and began addressing them. Together we began addressing the damage we had both caused each other.
As to the "I'm no good at sex, I'm no a good wife, if I had known then, etc." you need to think about it and put together a response to this that will move you both toward a solution. Trying to assure her that she is good at sex or good as a wife negates the problem and keeps it from ever being addressed. That doesn't mean that you have to bean her upside the head with her failings. It does mean putting together a roadmap to address the issue - if she is willing to address it with you.
