conflict avoidance

[MJontheMend]

While MrHP doesn't like it when I cry, it doesn't bother him to the extent that is being described here.

I feel like my H has an odd reaction to my crying too. He has told me that it makes him think I'm kind of schizo when I want him to comfort me if I'm crying due to something about our relationship because I am simultaneously blaming him for something and looking to him to fix it. Kind of like I'm saying "You are such a jerk. Now come give me a hug."

[Lillieperl]

Honeypot, just because my bf is distressed by my crying doesn't mean he's any good at giving comfort. I also get the feeling tears make him angry, as though I'm failing to control behavior that I know makes him nuts.

I can sometimes get a few seconds of comforting out of him, maybe a one-armed hug, but within a minute or so, he'll get annoyed and usually leave the room.

Doglover put it perfectly:

The partner needs to take the tears seriously but not too personally.

Everyone's comments about tears were very interesting and right on the money.

[LostGal]

What does that mean exactly? Has your need to only discuss an issue and not fight over it angrily gotten you anywhere? My ex husband was a conflict avoider. He loved discussions...prided himself on being able to stay cool and collected during a conflict and "discuss the issues." Only problem, nothing ever got solved.

Or is it the smug/smart @55 circular jousting that i encounter. NEVER adapting to the other point of view ever. Always the Cocky head tossing verbalizing. Bah..

[LostGal]

Another take is that tears are an anomoly[sp]. They require the "man" to step up to the weaker female and hug her. Once in a sniveling pile of goo...I responded "don't you dare touch me. i will not have to go to this extreme to get a hug from my husband" and walked?/ran upstairs.

That melt down was the precursor to one of the most listened to conversations we've ever had. I didn't dance and dodge my feelings. Besides for me to state Don't touch me, is definately a 180!