Quote: I wonder what it is about a woman's tears that feels so bad to a guy? I'm not saying it's a bad thing-- it's no fun to make someone cry-- but it seems that to many guys, saying or doing something which triggers W's or GF's tears is right up there with thermonuclear war as something to be avoided at all costs.
This is true for my H as well. My tears make him very anxious, especially if he can't fix them right away. I think that women are more used to interacting with their female friends in such a way that either one can vent (or cry) and the other can hear her out without feeling like the feelings, especially the tears, need to be "fixed" right away.
But my experience with my H is different. Your choice of the word "trigger" was excellent. The partner needs to take the tears seriously but not too personally. It is true that men do not have much experience with tears - they learn early on to "fix", ie squelch, the emotions which cause tears. I tear up fairly easily (esp tear jerker movies) so H has had lots of chances to practice responding but that hasn't helped much.
Here is an email I sent my H yesterday, since I have been reading Schnarch's Passionate Marriage but H is less interested in reading it. (He was not offended by the subject line).
H particularly related to "A healthier differentiated self can self-soothe, be her own person and tolerate another's anxiety without getting too anxious." He recognizes that he cannot tolerate my anxiety (or tears) without getting too anxious himself, but doesn't know how to correct that.
(LP, this would apply, I would think, to your response to your BF's ED problem as well. Calm sympathy without making a big deal about it.)
Very glad for his "sweetness and affection" today. Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
