Quote: I’m a problem solver and few things make me feel better than solving a problem.
We all like to know that we have the ability to find solutions without it turning into an argument or heated debate. My ex was a great problem solver. Here is where the problem lay though. He would come up with solutions to problems and most of the time it meant him compromising on something he wanted. Now, I had no idea he was compromising, I actually thought the problems had been solved to everyone's liking. After 17 years of solving problems this way the lid blew off his pot and all that pent up frustration over compromising came out.
Now I'm wondering, when you say you are a problem solver and can take care of most issues with a discussion are you doing the same thing? Are you finding solutions to problems by coompromising your wants and needs just so you can find a quick solution and call the problem fixed? If not then you may not be a true "avoider." The avoidance you talk about may only be related to the sexual issues in your marriage.
Quote: At one of our few counseling sessions the C told me that I shouldn’t be worried about making the W cry. That concept really was alien to me and I still have trouble reconciling that with moving forward or being solution oriented.
You don't understand how confronting your wife, even if it makes her cry, is a good thing as far as solving a problem or moving the relationship in the right direction? Let me try and explain my take on this. You know how toxic and destructive it is to a relationship if one person is verbally abusive to the other? How utterly disrespectful of the person and the relationship? Anyone who could do that really cares nothing about the person or the relationship do they? Well, anyone who refuses to confront another person when it is needed is being just as toxic as someone who verbally abuses to get their way. No relationship can grow and become what is best for both people involved without conflict and the willingness to engage in that conflict.
Don't we all want our marriages to be a place of growth for us and our spouse? For that to happen we have to be willing to be each other's critic. You don't want to cause your wife to cry because you love her, that is understandable. Because you love her you are able to identify behaviors that might keep her stuck in a bad place emotionally and when you avoid conflict over these issues just so she won't cry then you are essentially holding her and yourself and your marriage back.
My ex husband did not love me, he did not care for the course of our marriage because his discomfort over seeing me cry and his fear over dealing with my anger was more important to him than whether or not we grew together as a couple.
You have to be willing to see your wife cry if it means doing what is best for both of you and your marriage.
Quote: Do admit I have been guilty of “put their need to avoid conflict before their need to make the relationship work”. I’ve done this in more areas than just my relationship…and I hate that…
You can't make the statement above and then come right behind it and say that you do respect yourself and the relationship. You may think you do but your actions say differently.
How do you deal with it? You develop good communication skills. You develop relationship tools that inable you to engage in conflict in a pro-active way. Do some reading and research. There is a very good book called Crucial Conversations that I read. It's small, cheap, an easy read and full of great examples of how to deal with different issues. First you have to make the decision of whether or not you, your wife and your marriage are important enough to you.
You know, she might not feel what you need is important because you have set that example by avoiding conflict and making so many compromises over the years. Something to think about.
