Boy does some of this hit home. What I mean by “I hate angry fights but enjoy discussions” is that I don’t see much value in yelling and fighting but I don’t mind spirited debate on a subject. Fights to me just end up with everyone going away hurt and nothing getting accomplished. I like to think of my discussions as solution focused. I’m a problem solver and few things make me feel better than solving a problem. However the SSM problem I’ve worked on for years (decades?) hasn’t exactly been effective so I guess I’ll have to think more about my history of discussions/arguments and examine how productive they really were.
Fear of anger. It’s really never occurred to me that I might be afraid of anger. Yes I do try and placate her hurt felling but I don’t feel it’s to avoid a solution…I want to solve the problem but don’t think it requires a yelling match. At one of our few counseling sessions the C told me that I shouldn’t be worried about making the W cry. That concept really was alien to me and I still have trouble reconciling that with moving forward or being solution oriented. I don’t walk away, I see that as disrespectful.
Do I fear the problem? Am I a fearful person? Intimidated by the W? Become overwhelmed by the problem? I don’t believe I’m fearful, like I said I enjoy solving problems. My relationship issues are not fun to solve anymore and I could be intimidated by how the problem has persisted and the feeling that what I do/need doesn’t matter to her.
Do admit I have been guilty of “put their need to avoid conflict before their need to make the relationship work”. I’ve done this in more areas than just my relationship…and I hate that…
Hmm the last paragraph says a lot in just a few words. I’m guilty of not standing up for myself at times…but I do respect myself and the relationship…but those two things don’t balance each other, do they. So now my mind is racing, how do you deal with this? What steps can I take to start avoiding, conflict avoidance?
