I read your post all the time and really have learned from your perception of your realationships and needs. I have no real wisdom to share but your most recent post struck really close to home for me.
The kissing just addressed that on my own post. I am a keep your tongue to yourself gal why hmm my H french kisses really over power me. Not sexually but in a physical way the more he gets caught up in the moment the more lack of air I recieve if you know what I mean. Hence i seldom look forward to this event even will turn away to fringe a cough sneeze hell I would even turn away and pick my nose to avoid this life or death experience.
You made comment to your wife saying when there was passion. Well do you all remember falling in love that heady tummy tingling sensation that came with it. The adrendalene rush hormone release that made you feel on top of the world and loved I have read that alot of people feel disenchanted with a realationship when that feeling wears off. They feel the passion is gone. It is a association of feeling loved and passion to that hormonal release in the brain that failing in love stimulates that they base there feelings on. Could your W feel this way?
But my main reason I am saying anything here is this
How have I hurt her? By making my continued participation in the marriage conditional upon having a physical relationship with her.
Can so relate from your wife side on this. My H threatens me with this all the time. Mind you we do have sex more frequently then your self and your W. But everytime he said those words it triggered a resentment in me and put me further at odds with my H. Even though I felt they were hollow words since he said them so frequently and was still here. But the more he threatened me with these words the more every little sexual act spoken or physical became a sore to me that never seemed to heal. Every fight big or small over the issue of sex loomed as a sign that my H was a sex crazed freak to me. It was a monster and every move he made seemed to feed it. To me all it seemed like was that is all we ever fought about and all he ever worried about. This was my perception not really the reality of the situation but living in the moment it seemed real to me. The reality is I could not relate to his sexual needs as being more then just sex because I did not understand them. The meaning behind them it being more then sexual gratifaction but emotionl gradifacation. I did not understand this because I do not feel this so hence I still can not relate but I do now understand H's desire for sex now. Maybe your wife also lacks the ability to understand because of lack of being able to relate to the emotional side most people seem to derive from sex? Reading your post I have seen your wife and I share some past experience ie walk away father and a few other things you have mentioned as perceptions of men in general. I don't fear abandonment but it does piss me off in general when it deals with children because I can relate with the feeling of being made to feel not worthy of a fathers love. I have been raped but do not fear what lurks around every cornor but have to admit at times have felt raped by my H when made to feel I have to have sex when I did not want to and on and on. Maybe this is a pattern that sets the way we percieve current things that come from our past. I am going to ponder this. I really did not think I had any residual feelings from these events from the past but who knows. Maybe it causes us a emotional disconnection from the act of sex in itself?
My point though you do not feel you have done things to hurt her by wanting and needing a sexual relationship and you feel you owe no apoligy. Maybe you could compermise in the form of apology. Maybe W I know that you feel hurt by my need for a healthier sexual and emotional relationship with you just as I feel hurt by your lack of want of a healther sexual and emotional relationship. And I am sorry for this. And I know at times that you feel threatened by my ulimatum of sex or I am gone just as I feel threatened by the fact that I am made to feel this way. And I am sorry for that also. But now is the time to make some decisions about where we are and where we are going with this relationship. If we are going to continue work on this relationship we need to set a goal and a time line for us to get there.
You have recognized her feelings without validation. You have stated yours without over stating and you have said without threat its time to do or dont make it better and you have apologized not for wronge doings but how each of you feel without taking responsibility for causing the feelings.
