I understand that you're angry and have lots of history behing your feelings. I just think that lashing out at W when she's trying to make a connection (twice now today) is only going to get you further from your goals. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? As hard as it is to change ourselves, I think it's a lot harder to be truly open for the other person to change. Your words say that you want change, but your actions today send the message that you don't.
It took me a long time to learn that your W is right about defensiveness. When someone is giving me a complaint, my job is to listen and ask questions if necessary and make sure I understand what they're saying and what they're feeling. If I have something to bring up, then I can do it at another time, but not when I'm supposed to be listening. It's mighty tough to do. That's why I buy duct tape by the case.
The issues you bring up really make me think that DR and Gottman's Seven Principles could make a big difference in your sitch.
