HD, I know this is frustrating, but I think you're impeding your own progress.
W made an effort today and you squashed it. When she brought that to your attention, you proceeded to argue with her. I think that is why your tongue is icky right now.
I haven't read SSM, but I've read DR. If you haven't, I think it could be helpful. What about John Gottman's books? Yes, W is doing some things that are deadly to an R, but so are you. You have the power to change your destructive behaviors. There's no telling what effect that might have on W, but I suspect it would make passion a lot more possible.
