Please stop apologizing to your wife for a wrong perceived only by her. Stop playing in her game.
It is time that she takes responsibility for her own shortcomings. Period.
You need to write her a simple note; "Wife, I am not going to buy into your bizarre sense of masculinity and femininity any longer. You have some serious issues that you are going to have to deal with. Your actions are destroying our marriage. I will no longer engage in any discussion where my very normal sex drive is demonized. Please get help before our marriage is beyond help."
At some point in time, you are going to have to set a boundary, HD, just like you did with your first wife. Alcoholism and adultery and whatever else, crossed the line and you said 'no more, I am done'.
Before you reach that point in THIS marriage, you need to start standing your ground, in an unmistakable fashion. That does not include 10 years spent in counseling while what is left of your resolve wanes or gets medicated away. That is no way to live.
If you want to make changes, you will have to face up to the fact that your life will NOT be wonderful or comfortable while the changes are underway. No matter how long you prolong it, inevitably, you will have to face the pain of change, or the pain of divorce, or the pain of living in a shell of a marriage.
My opinion, is that your wife needs psychiatric help, not a marriage counselor.
I will also venture a guess and tell you this; if you begin to act more like her father, her response to you will be more positive. Sounds nuts, give it a try.
I am not beating at you, HD, and I dislike being anyone's Jiminy Cricket, but I have bent my general rule because I want to see you succeed. Dealing with the conflict avoidance is the first thing you must overcome. My issue was anger. Others here have their issues. Until you strangle the conflict avoider out of your brain, your chances of success are limited in my opinion.
If you can find the strength to deal with the conflict avoider, you will be able to stand up to your wife in a way that speaks very loudly of character and strength. Whether she likes it or not, changes or not, you can command respect in your situation.
Oh, I almost forgot. Sleep in your marital bed. Let her leave if someone needs to leave.
I do wish you all the best, HD.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
