First, to clarify, I am not the one who is wallowing. I think she is wallowing in a pool of "poor me, I have to put up with a creature with a penis" and general finger-pointing and dead-horse-beating.
I know she'll want to crab some more at me about this, maybe tonight, but I have basically done all I can do as far as taking responsibility for my transgression.
Quote: You shouldn't have to get "permission" to touch her sexually. She shouldn't have to live in fear of being groped when she's trying to sleep.
I think it is likely she will go to her grave believing with all of her heart that I, her husband, need permission to touch her sexually. I don't think that is up for negotiation. Now, if I touch her sexually, and she is awake, most of the time she will just move my hand away and that will be the end of it. I don't try again, at least not for a day at the minimum. Sometimes, months go by between these attempts. Sometimes, just a day or two. I used to get mopey about the rejection, which of course was a big turn-off for her, and which she framed as disrespect for her.
Her counseling "homework", touching me physically, is (was) coming along okay. Remember, I had no expectations with this. Therefore, every hug, kiss goodnight, gentle touch on my back in the middle of the night, reach for my hand during a walk, was a pleasant surprise. During the week, I get maybe one or two of such touches from her a day. It's not my job to remind her. I get to initiate non-sexual touches, too, and these occur at about the same frequency...maybe a little more often.
