So I haven't had much a sex drive for the last month or so. Told my W, and she was thrilled. I was pretty angry at her for this reaction, and let her know it, so she chilled out for awhile. The month wore on. I can remember the last time that I hadn't been aroused at least one time each day. It's usually many times a day. I just figured it was a result of age, and maybe, of some of the meds I'm on. I went with the feeling (or lack thereof) and decided that I'd just try to work on the relationship issues, without muddying up the pond with sex. But I still wanted to touch and be touched, which I did.
Things were going fairly steady. We had some fights about stuff, usually about how I failed to do something exactly the way she would have done it. But for the most part, she has had less to complain about because I've been keeping better organized (keeping a list handy), keeping the house reasonably clean, my ex-wife was out of town for 10 days, and hey, I've not been "pressuring her" for sex (said pressure has, for the past 6 months or so consisted merely of having my penis attached to my body, not true "pressure" in the form of requests, etc.)
In fact, things were going pretty well this weekend. We were at a blues festival, and I gave her a kiss, and decided to prolong it, and it lasted almost four seconds, which had probably not happened in a year. Then, we had this obnoxious guy behind us who insisted on yelling, "WOOOOOO" periodically during the band's performance, and we called him Woo-man, and I said that I was going to kiss her every time he did it. I ended up kissing her about 10 times during this one song, after which we agreed to stop. It was fun and cute.
We had a pretty good weekend.
Another detail: As I mentioned last week, she and the MC think I may have ADD. So I saw the doc, took the tests, and he said he'd put me on the meds and, if I got "hyper" or otherwise felt hopped-up on speed, then I didn't have it, and should discontinue the meds. I took the meds. Did not feel hyper. In fact, since taking it for the first time Saturday morning, I've felt somewhat like a fog has lifted, and that I'm thinking more clearly. I'll continue to try it and see if the benefits outweigh the risks.
Maybe it's related to the medicine, or maybe it's just a coincidence, but I was horny for the first time in a month on Saturday. And I was horny again, Sunday.
Sunday night, we were at home and I had more than my usual one or two glasses of wine. I had about three. Or maybe four. I can't recall.
Went to bed. Drifted off. Woke up about half an hour later and was very horny. I knew she was asleep. I did something that I wouldn't normally do if I was very horny, but sober. I thought to myself, "I would love to touch her breasts. Maybe she'll wake up and want to ML!" I know I must have been drunk, because the W I know would never wake up with me fondling her breasts and want to make love. Why I thought she would this time can only be attributed to inebriation or temporary insanity.
So I felt them. Have I ever told y'all about how great my W's breasts are? Let's take a moment. (My apologies to my sexually-frustrated brethren on the board). They are soft and full and heavy and big and have great nips that go "boing!" when you play with them. They are smooth and they smell like a woman and they are oh so tasty. But it's like starving to death in a house full of wonderful-smelling and delicious-looking food. I can only use my eyes to behold them. I can't even get close enough to smell them. And I certainly can't touch them.
This is where I'd love to write that she woke up, purred softly, and we melted into each arms, making love passionately until the sun rose. Alas, dear reader, this did not occur.
Rather, she awoke, grabbed my hand and pushed it away. She said something like, "WTF do you think you're doing?" and stormed out of the bedroom. Then, she stormed back in, said that I should be the one sleeping elsewhere, and I left, not wanting to fight about this, and desperately needing some sleep since I had suffered a sleep-deprived night Saturday.
I woke her this morning with an apology. She was, not surprisingly, still pissed. She called me on her way into work and gave me more lectures on what a violation it had been, how selfish I was, how evil my sex drive (and man's sex drive in general) is, and how she can't trust me.
Mea culpa. (for those without classical Latin training, or a legal background, or the desire to go look it up, that means, "I am guilty.") Hairdog stands under the dark clouds, tearing at his garments, crying out "Mea culpa!" over and over again.
Or not. Sure, it was stupid of me to think that she would wake up and be aroused. Wine, and the return of my long lost libido had a lot to do with it, although it doesn't exuse my behavior. To me, though, it sure helps explain my stupid thinking, my failure to fully think out the possible consequences. But I accept full responsibility for my actions. I did it. I felt my wife's gorgeous breasts through her tee-shirt. I even did the "boing!" trick, and felt satisfied when the little guy stood at attention.
I remember thinking about that time when I asked her how she likes me to initiate, and she said that she likes the way I touch her breasts, and that that is usually enough. Of course, the context of that breast touch was the more familiar Sunday morning breast touch while spooning. I know that's what she was thinking of when she answered the question. At the time, that's what I was thinking about as well.
But in the dark, in my ardor, in my alcohol-muddled mind, I thought that great things might happen. Once again, I admit that this potential for passion has no basis or foundation in the history of our relationship (other than once when she woke in the middle of the night after returning from a two week trip to China and we made love. But I discount the significance of that night-time event as it was about 2pm in Beijing, and her mind was still in that time zone, even though her body was not.). We are afternoon or early morning lovers, when we ML at all. As the more seasoned of you know, we ML about twice a year.
She is still wallowing in self-righteous indignation. I tell her that I have already apologized. She insists that I don't understand my wrong to her. I listen to her explanation, and am able to recite back to her why I deserve The Rack, or some similar torture.
I know what I did was wrong. I take responsibility for that. But sorry, I think she's over-reacting. I suspect that what she really wants is to have conflict with me, have a reason to treat me to a heaping helping of criticism, and to withhold physical touch from me, and to me.
She can choose to wallow. I can choose to apologize (which I did), to remember that I should never touch her breasts or other naughty bits without her clear consent (which I will do), and to move on with everyday life (which I am doing).
Annette asked me how I was doing. I think I'm doing fine, annette, considering. Thanks for your concern.
You are absolutely right, in my opinion: your wife is using this as an excuse to lambaste you, and make this all your fault. She is so hung up on her "all men are rapist a-holes" beliefs, that, unfortunately, you played right into her stereotype I'm afraid.
You need to say "I'm sorry, and I said so, and I meant it. But I'm not going to grovel, and while I will rightly apologize for doing something that I probably knew you wouldn't enjoy, I will NOT apologize for wanting the woman that I married."
Hairy, There is nothing wrong with a husband reaching over and caressing his wife's breasts, with or without her explicit consent.
If it were a perfect stranger, uh yeah, you'd need consent. I'm not advocating all the fellas out there forcing themselves on their wives, but judging from what you've wrote on this board, that is FAR from the case in your home.
I think this needs to be addressed at therapy on Wed, and pronto. You've spent a long time with this lady and there have yet to be significant and measurable results in increasing intimacy.
That is interesting about the ADD meds. Personally I think people (adults, that is) who have ADD suspect it and are weary of the negative effects of it. I guess what I'm saying is: If you have to wonder if you have it, you probably don't. However, it sounds like you are having a good reaction to the meds and you were unsure soooooo, take my medical advice with a grain. My FIL definitely has ADD and has lamented many many times that he wishes he were "different". I doubt it has occurred to him that he has ADD (and far be it from me to mention it to him, that is not my place). The effects on his life are negative and painful to him and have been his whole life. He has a hard time (impossible even) making friends, his social graces are nonexistent, he was not successful in school or work (though he made a decent living..he just happened to luck into union work, in which he was protected), he cannot carry on a conversation with his mind wandering, he is jittery and, well, unhappy. He is a perfect candidate for medication and I could possibly be the last person who would suggest unneccessary meds.
I have no idea if you have ADD or if you are just sex starved, as NOP said. I am not naturally a "focused" person. I tend to drift and flit from one thing to another and can be very forgetful. However, I have never felt that this so severely impeded my interactions with other people, so I am reasonably sure that I do not have it. I would be careful of diagnosing (or having your wife do it) a personality trait as a disorder that requires meds.
I am sorry about her reaction to your loss of libido. I know that, with myself, if I lose my desire for my H, it is only a matter of time before I will stop loving him. They are so closely intertwined that it is hard to tell where one begins and the other ends. If she knew that, and I mean really knew it, I doubt she would have been rejoicing!
Take care my friend and good luck at counseling this week.
The next time your W asks you to do her a favor or perform a chore, I think you should tell her that from now on before she asks a favor or chore or you, she needs to first ask your permission to ask you if you will do a favor or chore for you and ascertain whether you are in the proper mood and frame of mind to be approached with such a request.
For example:
Mrs.HD: Will you help me weed the garden?
HD: What did we talk about?
Mrs.HD: Is it a good time to ask you a favor?
HD: Hmmmm. Let me think about it. No, I guess I'm really not in the mood to do you any favors right now. I think I need to give you a lecture on the evils of nagging wives and all the problems in the world that could be avoided if women could just learn to keep their mouths zipped shut. This is the third time this month you've asked me to do an Act of Service for you without asking my permission first. You are out of control!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sorry about your weekend, and W over reacting to it all. I can't even get my H to sleep in the same bed with me, much less play with my squeezy bits, which I LOVE. We did have "sorta sex" sat afternoon, which consisted of halfa$$ed oral on his part then getting out the toy and mechanically "doing" me. Oh well, was better than nothing, first time in 4 months. Oh well, don't want to hijack your thread. Keep at it HD, at least she is going to counseling. Oh BTW what do you think of this counselor?
Thanks for chiming in, guys. Choc: I really like the part about not apologizing for wanting my wife. That's a good 'un.
HP: My W would disagree with your philosophy on the right of the H to caress his W's breasts. And, since she has told me I do not have the right to touch her, I must abide by that. As far as me having ADD, I guess it just never occurred to me to check myself out. I mean, I don't sit around and say, "hmmm, cancer sounds pretty bad. I should make a special trip to my doctor and have my whole body screened for it." All I know is that I'm not buzzed, I'm thinking clearer, and I feel like I am more "in the moment."
JJ: You said, "all the problems in the world that could be avoided if women could just learn to keep their mouths zipped shut." I just about had coffee spray out of my nose. Then the "you are out of control" comment almost did it again. Thanks for the hoots.
Annette: thanks for coaxing me out of my hole. I sure wish your man would get his ED checked out. You deserve some good strong action.
Well, she just called me to talk about a mundane car insurance matter. (Why do teens cost so much to insure? Oh, yeah, I remember being one. Forget I asked that stupid question). She sounded, well, not friendly, but at least she's back to "matter-of-fact" and not in berate mode.
HD, I don't know if I said h's have the RIGHT to touch their wives, but I still stand by my feeling that there's certainly nothing WRONG with it. Berating and apologies and such, for a sexual touch, just seems to go against the spirit of marriage, imo.
What is her view of how sexual touches should happen within a marriage?
Oh, HD, I've been thinking about you and hoping that no news was good news. Your post almost made me cry. Your W's reaction was so uncalled for and so downright MEAN! Here you're both supposed to be pulling for the same team, the marriage.... <sigh> This is like a kid running up to someone with open arms for a hug and being body-slammed to the ground.
I agree with HP that you did NOT need to ask permission. Two married people sleeping in the same bed constitutes permission in my book.
Besides diagnosing you with ADD has the MC come up with any other gems? Does W feel that MC is on her side against you?
P.S. The phrase "mea culpa" comes from the Confiteor, a prayer from the pre-1966 Latin Mass where everyone confesses to God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints and hosts of heaven that they have sinned "mea culpa, mea culpa, mea MAXIMA culpa," each person dramatically striking his/her breast [sic] with a closed fist on each "mea." Translates as "[through] my fault, [through] my fault, [through] my MOST GREVOUS fault." This has been replaced in the English Mass with a milder confession.
I sure wish he would get the ED checked also. Heck, I can't even get him to make a phone call during the day. Its to inconvenient to him. We refinanced the house about 2 months ago and about 3 weeks ago we got a check back from the old mortgage co. I told him to go deposit it in the savings account. Its been sitting there ever since. I told him this past weekend he better hope it doesn't expire or I was gonna be real pissed. He only works 2 nights a week and every other weekend. How hard is it to drive to the bank Anyway my point is, anything that doesn't involve TV or HIS prepared schedule is an inconvenience.
Hairdog, your W's attitude is almost 99% BS. Maybe its time to ask her to get to the core problem she has in life. Like hateing almost all men because a few are real jerks, or whet ever? Her weight or body image is some how flawed? People kill harp seals and make coats? She wishes your XW was dead or lived in Australia?
My point is, she seems to have unreasonable feelings and expetations for a married person. Would it be OK with her if you traveled almost all of the time and only came home 2X a year.
Maybe I am internalising to your situation too much. Despite the apperance of BB and I getting along better and having fewer conflicts, I am frustrated with the R and losing interest in sex somewhat like you.
In my case it would not take much to improve the M in many areas. I suppose you might feel the same in your situation.
My main point is, like usual, your W has some traits that do not seem to be realistic and refuses to see the M from your side. She seems to see it only from her POV which is way off the mark. I think your W needs a dose of reality. How do you think that "dose of reality" can be delivered.
Your post almost made me cry. Your W's reaction was so uncalled for and so downright MEAN! Here you're both supposed to be pulling for the same team, the marriage.... <sigh> This is like a kid running up to someone with open arms for a hug and being body-slammed to the ground. 
Anyway my point is, anything that doesn't involve TV or HIS prepared schedule is an inconvenience.