Hey all, I have been on both sides of the coin, according to my husband, after children I can remember my desire going down but on the other hand I can remember spraying him with breast milk when I orgasmed. Hmmmm. OK, husband and I have been together 30 + years, married 27+ years. He used to be the classic horney toad husband, wanting hugs and kisses constantly hoping that this would lead to the act. Over the years, as his libido diminished, so did his outpouring of affection for me. So, umm I got to the point of many of you other HD ladies on here, what the hell is the matter with him, or better yet, most guys are horney SOB's so what in the hell is wrong with him?? or is there something wrong with me?? This is hellish too admit, but no, there is nothing wrong with me. He cannot say well you need to lose weight or get a face lift or whatever.
Ok, I know you will ask, so what have you tried so far? Well I read about how men like lingerie, blow jobs, and since he has ED and needs some time to take the pill before intercourse, I give him plenty of warning and suggestion before dropping subtle cues. Well guess what he does not like these subtle cues and feels that I am possibly setting him up for failure (ED). Basically since he has ED he calls all the shots otherwise a guaranteed failure, I can't initiate, if I initiate, too much pressure on his part and he won't be able to get it up. I used to see seething hot desire in his eyes for me long, long, ago, recently I saw this same look as he gazed upon his new sports car. I said, oh honey what I wouldn't do for you to look at me like that again??
dafty, sorry you have to experience the no desire from your H.
Quote: I have been on both sides of the coin
FYI I think many of ys here M and FM, have been on both sides of the coin.
Quote: This is hellish too admit, but no, there is nothing wrong with me. He cannot say well you need to lose weight or get a face lift or whatever....Ok, I know you will ask, so what have you tried so far? Well I read about how men like lingerie, blow jobs,
Sorry to say that these only work sometimes for some men. You could buy him a red convertible thinking he woud appreciate the gift and have sexual desire for you but that might be another unfullfilled wish.
To defend your H, yes feeling rejected for many years might take its toll on the M's love life and so does having ED. I suspect your H is very hurt inside because of the ED.
It may be because "he" lost a once pleasurable activity that "he" enjoyed for himself and a connection he was trying to make with you. He also may be sad that he precieves, with out an erection he can't really make you happy, so avoids sexual and intimate contacts. He might be able to see past his possible "no drive feelings" and think you need to just forget about sex.
My W (BB) thinks, because she is not that interested in sex and I am almost an old man in her version of life, I should just forget about getting any. She tells me I am abnormal, and for me to act my age. I can imagine your H might have similar feelings but won't say he does, because peoples feelings and reasons are so varried.
You say you want solutions to your H's lack of desire. You ask, is there something wrong with you. First, maybe we can help you. Maybe the books recommended here will help you or solve some R problems. What I am getting at is, to begin with, you only have "you" to work with.
I am encouraging you to post as much information about your M in general, books you have read, books or things your H knows about, some things you have tried, some things your H has tried, what worked, what did not work, and anything else you think might shed some light on the problem or solutions.
If you want a quick fix, I don't think anyone has any. If you are prepared for some slow and small improvements, stick around.
I am not saying I am right about my opinions for your situation. There are many intelegent people here, so give it a good try and keep posting. Best wishes. You came to a good place.
Several years ago before I went out of town for a week, I told him before I left Honey I do love you dearly but I still consider a sexual relationship a strong part of a marital relationship. At that point we had not had sex for 7 months. He immediately denied it had been that long. After that conversation he did go to the doctor and get Viagra. Move forward a few years now and things have not improved that much at all. After multitide episodes of ED and some blame on his part. ( I will get to this later) I made an appointment with our doctor to have his testosterone level checked, blood sugar, etc. When I saw the doctor first, I mentioned how he has been taking Viagra like a vitamin, the doc says well don't you know that many men take Viagra, just to be able to MB. I told the doctor I don't have any problem with him MB, but if he is doing this when he has a willing partner then I do have a problem with this. After the Dr. appointment, I told the husband what the Doc said and he would not confirm or deny the MB part of this. I suggested to him instead of taking the Viagra once a day, why not take it once every two weeks and let me know when you do. He scoffed at this. Meanwhile I am thinking, yeah right you can go 6-7 months, but in the real world two weeks is too much??
I don't know club members but I think this has got to be the most frustrating ordeal for someone with a libido intact.
Basically he has told me in terms of his ED: that it leads to performance anxiety if I try to initiate, it leads to performance anxiety if I do some subtle hinting or modeling the ligerie before bedtime, so basically when we have sex is totally driven by his schedule.
I feel totally sexually stifled and as you can imagine frustrated.
No Lou I am not looking for the quick fix here, nor do I think there are any easy answers to the dilemma that I currently am in.
Quote: so basically when we have sex is totally driven by his schedule
Having a friend (ED) that is fickle and only shows up once in a blue moon is a tough act to scheduel ahead of time.
I can also see why he MB, No pressure if he needs more time. Imediate feed back, the mind can signal the hand several times a second to what is working. And I can see how you would feel cheated too.
There were some book recomendations on Lillieperl ED thread. Do you read the ED thread? Would my post to Lil about her MBing with her BF work for you?
I is difficult to give advice because everyone is so individual. I can listen and give my opinion to your questions.
What might work for a few people might not work for you or your H and I know what I feel are my feelings and your H might feel or do differently.
Dafty, My H sometimes has ED and often needs to take viagra. He tells me that he (like many men?) often wakes in the morning with an erection, so we are aiming for morning ML now. I know what you mean about the pressure a man with ED feels. Each time my H fails to get it up he thinks perhaps this is the end of the road for him. We got a book out of the library, but my H has yet to read it all the way through: "Coping With Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex" -- by Michael E., Ph.D. Metz, Barry W., Ph.D. McCarthy. Relaxation, good communication, broadening your range of sexual interactions to more than just intercourse are some of the things mentioned. See if your husband will look at the book (you too). Also see Lilleperl's ED thread. Good luck! Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
