SpinyLobster, I did not respond to your post immediately because I wanted to think through the issue of why I chose to work on our marriage. If you look at my first post, it was all about uncertainty as to whether I just wanted to quit and have a D or to try to work on things.
My parents had a very unhappy marriage, as did H's parents. Both sets chose to stay in a relationship that made them unhappy for the sake of children, finances, social pressure etc. I am totally unwilling to do this. Yes we have children and yes they will be negatively affected if we divorced. I also love his family, we share many friends and life will have to be rebuilt from its foundations if we divorce. But none of that is enough to make me live the life my parents had. So if I am convinced that we will not have an excellent – not just acceptable – marriage, I will definitely opt to separate.
However, before this major turmoil, I really loved my husband. He has been a great friend – we have been together since I was 16. Together we bring out the best in each other, we force each other to think, challenge each other and support each other. We like the other person's company and have fun together. In general it has been a very good relationship and I have trouble envisioning myself having that level of affection for someone else.
That said, our sex life has obviously not been the best and his extra-marital activities have hurt me deeply. So I guess the question is can we make sex as interesting as other parts of our life are in a way that meets both our needs or is that impossible? Can I move past the disappointment that my H has caused me by his behavior? Can I learn to respect and trust him again (and yes, he will have to earn that trust – I refuse to give it blindly) as a marriage partner? There is enough good in our relationship that I am willing to try, but there are certainly no guarantees that we will be able to make it.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you ... I don't even know if it will make sense to me five years down the line. DeepBlue
I think you would be wise to regard your H's interest in BDSM and his cheating on you with prostitutes as two separate and not necessarily related issues. You might even want to think about the use of prostitutes as two separate issues; the act and the lying about it. What I mean is you might ask yourself how you would feel about your H asking you if it would be okay if he went to visit a prostitute just to get turned on by spanking her if he didn't do anything beyond that. I'm not saying you should be "good" with any of it, just that it might be interesting to see what component of the problem bothers you the most.
IMO, BDSM is not necessarily an all-encompassing sexual style. Many/most people like/practice some aspects of BDSM but might be turned off or repulsed or just not interested in others. For instance, I've been turned on by spanking fantasies (probably #20 on my all time hot fantasy list) ever since a friend of mine in high school got spanked by a guy she hooked up with and told us all the lurid details at the lunch table. I think my initial reaction was to inhale pop up my nose I was laughing so hard, but still I was intrigued. OTOH, anything Gothic like nipple clamps or chains or vampire fantasies does nothing for me at all. Or for another example, a lot of people who like the idea of being tied down with velvet ropes would shudder at the idea of having one of those scary leather masks or harnesses put on them. The funny thing is most of the people I've known who were into the scariest kind of BDSM have been very nerdy, gentle, Star Trek watching, Hobbit-loving people outside of their sexual life. Maybe you should find out more about your H's preferences/desires in this area, some of them might not be outside your circle of acceptability. Maybe you should suggest that your H let you spank him. His reaction to this suggestion might be instructive.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
