Boundaries between Self Respect and Intimacy

[MJontheMend]

I think you would be wise to regard your H's interest in BDSM and his cheating on you with prostitutes as two separate and not necessarily related issues. You might even want to think about the use of prostitutes as two separate issues; the act and the lying about it. What I mean is you might ask yourself how you would feel about your H asking you if it would be okay if he went to visit a prostitute just to get turned on by spanking her if he didn't do anything beyond that. I'm not saying you should be "good" with any of it, just that it might be interesting to see what component of the problem bothers you the most.

IMO, BDSM is not necessarily an all-encompassing sexual style. Many/most people like/practice some aspects of BDSM but might be turned off or repulsed or just not interested in others. For instance, I've been turned on by spanking fantasies (probably #20 on my all time hot fantasy list) ever since a friend of mine in high school got spanked by a guy she hooked up with and told us all the lurid details at the lunch table. I think my initial reaction was to inhale pop up my nose I was laughing so hard, but still I was intrigued. OTOH, anything Gothic like nipple clamps or chains or vampire fantasies does nothing for me at all. Or for another example, a lot of people who like the idea of being tied down with velvet ropes would shudder at the idea of having one of those scary leather masks or harnesses put on them. The funny thing is most of the people I've known who were into the scariest kind of BDSM have been very nerdy, gentle, Star Trek watching, Hobbit-loving people outside of their sexual life. Maybe you should find out more about your H's preferences/desires in this area, some of them might not be outside your circle of acceptability. Maybe you should suggest that your H let you spank him. His reaction to this suggestion might be instructive.