SpinyLobster, I did not respond to your post immediately because I wanted to think through the issue of why I chose to work on our marriage. If you look at my first post, it was all about uncertainty as to whether I just wanted to quit and have a D or to try to work on things.
My parents had a very unhappy marriage, as did H's parents. Both sets chose to stay in a relationship that made them unhappy for the sake of children, finances, social pressure etc. I am totally unwilling to do this. Yes we have children and yes they will be negatively affected if we divorced. I also love his family, we share many friends and life will have to be rebuilt from its foundations if we divorce. But none of that is enough to make me live the life my parents had. So if I am convinced that we will not have an excellent – not just acceptable – marriage, I will definitely opt to separate.
However, before this major turmoil, I really loved my husband. He has been a great friend – we have been together since I was 16. Together we bring out the best in each other, we force each other to think, challenge each other and support each other. We like the other person's company and have fun together. In general it has been a very good relationship and I have trouble envisioning myself having that level of affection for someone else.
That said, our sex life has obviously not been the best and his extra-marital activities have hurt me deeply. So I guess the question is can we make sex as interesting as other parts of our life are in a way that meets both our needs or is that impossible? Can I move past the disappointment that my H has caused me by his behavior? Can I learn to respect and trust him again (and yes, he will have to earn that trust – I refuse to give it blindly) as a marriage partner? There is enough good in our relationship that I am willing to try, but there are certainly no guarantees that we will be able to make it.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you ... I don't even know if it will make sense to me five years down the line. DeepBlue
