[QUOTE]I guess the question is, "Is BDSM really a life style one is born with like sexual orientation?" If so, I think my choices are straight forward. If I discovered I was married to a gay man, I would feel empathy for him, want to make sure he is OK and retains a good relationship with our sons but I would not stay in that marriage. I would like to move forward in my life and hope that I would find another relationship that nurtures me ... or find contentment alone. I feel the same way about BDSM. I have too much self respect (and too much baggage of childhood abuse) to accept this lifestyle. However, are things so black and white? I assume there are gradations to BDSM and there may be things like light bondage that I can live with (and at times, enjoy).[/QUOTE]
THIS is an EXCELLENT question. I've often wondered, myself, because of my OWN interest in bondage, non-consentual sex and other kinds of things that I object to "morally," and "intellectually," but that turn me on, anyway. I've often thought about whether or not it's predisposition, conditioning, something deeply psychological.
I think, personally, that homosexuality, pedophilia, BDSM -- even something like being attracted to "redheads," or something are all conditioned. Deeply conditioned, and, depending on to what extent -- may or may not be something that the person can change.
I believe in "narratives." It's kind of a postmodern philosophy thing -- but I believe that some people can change their narrative -- and I have done my best to change mine, to not be turned on to that which I have moral objections to (if I wasn't clear enough, before -- it's the fantasy of being raped).
I think, however, one has to be very intelligent, very self-realized, and also incredibly open minded, and "non-constructed," to change one's narrative, consciously. Plus, one would have to want to.
Your husband may have some of those limitations. Depending on how long he's been fantasizing about this stuff -- obsessing, maybe -- will determine the "footprint" that it's left on his brain. I'm afraid that the pornography industry, as well as power narratives in our public consciousness have hooked their claws into too many people -- and, it may be the point of no return for your husband.
You should, however, NOT have to cow-tow to his whimsy -- particularly if you have a painful history of abuse. I know that I've had my "dirty laundry" aired in my first post, and that the obvious question, for me, is "why do you stay." I have to say that if I found out that my husband was having sex with hookers, there's no way I could possibly stay.
That, said, however - I'm still speaking from a point of theory. One doesn't know what might happen.
It kills me, though, that there are all of these people, including ourselves, who are living through these painful relationships. In my opinion, it's all society -- repression, Darwinism, fear of equality -- it's too bad, really.
