Deepblue... I feel your H is addicted...he wants a high from the BDSM and is willing to engage in destructive behavior to get it.
I am not judging his fantasies ( I have posted before about my own) ...it's the lies, secrecy and lack of respect he is showing himself and you by not addressing his needs in a responsible way.
I have learned that what makes a relationship work is self-assertion and boundaries. Even if your H were in a BDSM relationsip, desires and limits would need to be discussed. Your H was out of control and self-absorbed...I hope in counseling he can begin to discuss his feelings more openly and work on something real with you.
