I have wanted to post here for a while but it felt totally disloyal to my husband and our relationship. But finally I decided that for my own sake I have to talk to someone and who better than intelligent, thoughtful people who have been dealing with similar issues. I apologize for being explicit, not sure how to get help without it. I also want you to know that in spite of what I am about to write, I am married to a smart, caring man who has been a very good friend to me over most of my life and is a very good father to our sons and I don't want to demonize him.
I came to this board because I discovered that H has been visiting prostitutes for the last 8-10 years. He claims only 4-5 times, I don't know whether to believe. On a prior thread I said one of our problems is I am vanilla and he likes exotic. Maybe this is the key to the issue but I am not sure if I can change while maintaining my own integrity.
About 6-7 years ago he started suffering from ED. Sex became hellish for me at that point, not because of ED but because of his reaction to it. We would start ML with my going down him, move to intercourse, he would start having problems, pull out and then I would give him an oral again. This would be accompanied by his spanking me. He claimed it was supposed to be erotic for me. While it was not painful, I hated this part. I have seen some of his stash of BDSM magazines and I think he was using these as inspiration. Unfortunately I was raised with a mother who hit me every 4-5 months and I would stand there with an incredible resentment in my heart because I had no option but to take it. I could not see why I had to take this in my marriage. I felt bad for him about ED but avoided sex as much as possible.
In a year or so of these episodes I discovered that he had been in chat rooms and was meeting some women. I blew up and he promised to work on our marriage. This is the first time we talked about ED and spanking stopped, sex became much better -- I think for both of us. While I am quite happy with the quality of our sex life, he seems to want something more. His fantasies about beautiful young women dominated by him have not stopped and suddenly I discovered that he is visiting prostitutes who cater to this. We are on the verge of divorce and he is incredibly remorseful. He is also in a lot of pain and wants to find ways of moving forward. However one of the things he would like me to do is visit BDSM clubs. I find this totally abhorrent. I can easily get turned on by light bondage but looking at the pictures of women trussed up as turkeys in the magazines makes me sick and the idea of setting foot in these clubs is really hard for me to deal with. I have no desire to see anyone else being beaten and the idea of being with him when he stares hungrily at women 25 years younger than me (or any women for that matter) seems incredibly humiliating.
I guess the question is, "Is BDSM really a life style one is born with like sexual orientation?" If so, I think my choices are straight forward. If I discovered I was married to a gay man, I would feel empathy for him, want to make sure he is OK and retains a good relationship with our sons but I would not stay in that marriage. I would like to move forward in my life and hope that I would find another relationship that nurtures me ... or find contentment alone. I feel the same way about BDSM. I have too much self respect (and too much baggage of childhood abuse) to accept this lifestyle. However, are things so black and white? I assume there are gradations to BDSM and there may be things like light bondage that I can live with (and at times, enjoy). But it seems like the tip of the iceberg... once one is sucked into this it might easily escalate and then there is no real intimacy, just illusion. I just don't understand how or why anyone would want to do this!
We do have a sexual and marital counseling appointment set up in July. But meanwhile if you anyone has any ideas or suggestions of reading materials, I would really appreciate it. I also realize that we have many issues including infidelity and disrespect that we need to deal with but I would really appreciate your responses on the issue of BDSM for the moment.
