(Previous thread here - I felt a title change was in order because I'm no longer as "Confused And Lost" as I used to be.)
Well, Five Love Languages arrived today, and I've had a chance to read through it. Woah. If this technique can do half of what it claims, it'd still be better than anything I can think of. After I finished the book, I lay on the bed for a moment, clutching the book to my chest, thinking: Can this be right? Could this book be the "magic bullet" I've been looking for?
Of course, my inner skeptic starts taking over, as it probably should when I start going on flights of fancy like that:
A. My wife may not cooperate to the extent required for me to determine her love language. B. Even if I know what it is, I might not be able to communicate effectively enough in that love language. C. Even assuming I can successfully pull off increasing her love level in that manner, it might have no effect whatsoever on the sex issue.
However, are any of those negative thoughts reason enough not to try it? No. I know it might take months, but, no matter what happens, I can't see myself ending up worse than before by trying to speak in a love language my wife will understand.
So, maybe I've got a new plan of action...sort of de-emphasize the sex issue per se, and focus efforts along a two-pronged path:
(1) Continue to help and encourage her to deal with her lack of energy, specifically the sleep issue, and also her anemia. (2) Meanwhile, pursue the 5LL strategy; figure out our respective love languages and work to address hers.
I'm thinking that, if those work out, then increased energy plus greater love fulfillment on her part should yield higher desire. Could I be wrong? Easily. But I can't think of a better answer.
For the moment, 5LL will be my roadmap. Which brought to mind the Indigo Girls track that I borrowed for this new topic's title:
Quote: Get out the map Get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down We’ll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town Don’t drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone I’m gonna clear my head I’m gonna drink that sun I’m gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Glad you book arrived...it's good isn't it? If you think your W may not communicate enough with you to determine her Love Language...flat-out ask her, your W doesn't seem to be an unreasonable woman. Sure, she doesn't want to be hammered at all the time by this I'm sure....but if you bring up this really interesting book you've read and just let her know you'd like to ask her a couple of things and get her "opinion" as to what's important to her....you might get the responses you need
That is the approach that often works best with my H. If he feels that I'm trying to disect him (so-to-speak) he clams up, but if I ask questions and ask for his opinion I get MUCH more information.
Greeneyedlass, I'd like to get her to take the profile for wives if I can, just to make sure. What I think I can do is see if I can convert that profile to a dynamic Web page, stick it on our local server, and have her run through it at her convenience. I'd have the page E-mail me the results, too, so I'd have a record. Shouldn't be too difficult.
As for myself, I'm 90% sure I know what my own primary love language is, but I'm going to run through the profile for husbands myself, just to (a) act as a reality check and (b) identify what secondary love language I have, which may be useful information.
Is my general approach a sound one, though? It seems pretty straightforward to me, but I know that, if I over-simplify things, it's likely to turn around and bite me in the keister...
She's gotten a call back from one psych, who would be happy to work with her but is going on vacation until the start of July. She's going to keep looking for the moment. As for the anemia, which has been a problem for her since she was a teenager, we're going to see about increasing the amount of red meat in her diet, and also she's going to look for nutritional supplements as I mentioned earlier, which should contain additional iron. (She's tried straight iron supplements before, but they tie her stomach in knots, so she gave 'em up.) Any suggestions there?
If we can get her batteries charged and her love tank filled, it may be easier to take on the sex issue. Not that my wife's a car, mind! It's just that the metaphors seem to come out that way. And yes, a lot of it is going to depend on me, when the time comes.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
OK, we're profiled. My primary love language is Physical Touch (surprise, surprise!). Hers is Acts of Service...and she scored Physical Touch dead last, while I scored AOS in fourth place. Clearly, we've both got work to do.
(She asked if she could send the profile form I whipped up for her to a couple of friends. I suggested she send them the link to the Five Love Languages site instead. Wouldn't want to violate copyright!)
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
So...now you know your love language is completely opposite to hers, but now you know what hers is, so you can speak it; this is important! Did you two discuss that your's is physical? Did she understand that? BTW....what was her secondary?
Her secondary was Quality Time. I think mine was Words of Affirmation.
Yes, she knows what mine is. We haven't discussed the full implications of that, but I think she understands it to a certain extent. (She asked me what my primary was; I said, "Guess." She said, "Physical touch?" I said, "Right in one.") She probably ought to to read the book herself.
I also tried to explain to her that, because of the differences of our LLs, I have to remember that me cleaning out the cat boxes for her (for instance) makes her feel loved in exactly the same way as her giving me a hug makes me feel loved. I don't know if she buys it, but, theoretically, she shouldn't have to believe the explanation to be affected by it, right?
Now, a note about the form I did for her: When I created the form for her, I basically took the profile for wives as printed in the back of the book, copied all the information into a page written in PHP (a dynamic Web-page language), and added some formatting and some code to handle the statement selections and the scoring. I wouldn't want to distribute it because I think that the author would rather sell copies of the book than have this given away. Besides, for all I know, there's already a page on his own site that contains the same profile...
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
I've been implementing the AOS plan...putting dishes in the dishwasher and taking them out, cleaning the cat boxes, and I even managed to take out the trash today. (Slow going, with my leg brace and no crutches, but I managed it.) When she sees that I've done something, she frequently comes over to give me a hug and a kiss. There's that Physical Touch! She should probably read the book though.
We've found one activity that seems to satisfy both of us...she likes having her hair brushed. It's an Act of Service that also involves Physical Touch, and she finds it relaxing. Of course, st the same time, it was setting me on fire! If there's such a thing as erotic hairbrushing, that must have been it! Should I tell her about the effect it had on me?
Other than that, things are holding pretty steady. I have physical therapy now, I'm becoming less helpless, and she's scheduled her pre-surgery doctor's appointment. At least I think this is the right direction, or a right direction...
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
You guys are heading the right direction. Just sit back for a bit and concentrate on speaking her LL for awhile, see what her reactions are...they may improve once she sees her needs are being fulfilled in they way she needs....often that results in her wanting fulfill your needs in your way.
It's awfully tempting to want to push right now, once you start getting the crumbs you want the whole slice don't you? Perfectly understandable...but work on consistently speaking her love languages and seeing what her reactions are to different things. Also, when she does do something physical that you like...don't hesitate to tell her "mmmmm, that was nice" or something along that line. She needs to know her action are appreciated just as you need to know yours are.
What a coincidence - I was about to come here and post an update. Not much change to report, except for a couple of recent events.
I am proceeding as before, trying to shoulder some of my wife's chores when and as I can. Since my leg is also improving and I can get around a bit easier, it allows me to be more of a help, and she does notice. She, in turn, is trying to be more physically attentive; I get deep kisses, not regularly, but more frequently than before--along with hints about technique, which I try to accept in the spirit in which they're given. She has not had a chance to read 5LL yet, but maybe she gets the general gist.
Last night, I tried a small escalation - while mid-deep-kiss, moving one hand onto her breast. It didn't go over well; she said, "Oh, and don't squeeze my boob while I'm having a hot flash; I felt like smacking you!" Well, dang, I didn't know she was having a hot flash! Later, she said that she thinks she's going through perimenopause, or the equivalent thereof for women without uteruses. (When they did the hysterectomy, they removed one ovary, but the other is still in place.) She's seriously considering hormone replacement therapy, now that they have new hormones with adjustable dosage levels, and thinks the hormone levels may be connected to the loss of sexuality on her part. She actually was on HRT for a time after her surgery, but stopped, probably because of all the talk about the connection with breast cancer. So it doesn't look like the incident was a permanent setback, and perhaps it provided a way to help move forward. But I think I'll just keep my hands off that part of her anatomy for awhile.
Her foot surgery is scheduled for mid-July, after which will be a 6-8 week recovery period, partly in a cast, partly in her "moon boot." After we're recovered from our respective orthopedic issues, she's interested in us taking ballroom dance lessons (spurred on, I think, by that recent show on ABC), and I can see potential advantages in that. So sure, I'll go right along with her, assuming the instructor doesn't mind dealing with an old stumblebum like me.
So, little to report, and a mixed bag at that...but the subject is never far from my mind.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
And yes, a lot of it is going to depend on me, when the time comes.
