Thank you all, so much, for responding. This is actually amazing. It's interesting -- but I am a poet -- and my manuscript is about "sexual narrative," -- so, I'm supposed to be all wise about sex, and what it means, and the psychology, the logic of it -- even the things which cannot be spoken of, directly.
But, in my own life, I feel lost.
To the question -- "why do I stay?":
Of course, I've asked myself this. I guess part of the reason, is that this is my second long-term relationship. The first, as I said, was fine, but boring, and I broke up with the man, so I could have more adventures. I was never in love with him, either.
I stay, because I don't want to take care of myself. I guess that's as honest as I can be. I've never been alone -- I've had a boyfriend since I was 18 (and cheated on the first one, numerous times -- actual love affairs -- not just sex), and I'm afraid, particularly with a child, of having to work. I'm not lazy -- I'm always moving around, going places, cleaning, cooking -- but I AM a writer, and I need a lot of time to read, explore and think -- and write. Despite the terrible relationship, it's almost just like having a live-in housekeeper and moneymaker. Sounds terrible, maybe. Maybe if I sound cold, it's because I once really loved him, and we could really talk -- and he's totally betrayed all of my trust, and used up the love I thought I once imagined that I had.
About the alcoholism -- I don't know if others who have responded have this situation -- but it ISN'T full-blown, anymore -- but it's still a 24/7 habit. It's just that he gets regularly drunk 2-3 nights a week, and has to spend 24-36 hours "recovering" (laying on the couch, ignoring everything and alternating between sleep and watching some idiot TV program), and is not being a father or partner. Of course -- nothing stands in the way of the drinking, and there's always energy for that. Used to, we'd have sex all night, when he was drinking -- but now, since he only drinks heavily a couple nights a week -- he's too busy drinking to bother having sex with me. Though, when he is drinking, his personality is expansive, he's nice to me, he'll tell me that he loves me, he'll maybe touch me. But when he's not drunk? He's a zombie.
This is someone who only drinks 2-3 nights a week, but is still a full-time alcoholic. It's sick.
Thank you for the links to the alcohol board. I think it's also depression -- about 20 years of untreated depression. His father slept with prostitutes, before finally having an affair, and leaving his mother, with three kids. His parents never showed any affection toward each other. His house was emotionally cold and void of empathy.
I don't know, but, psychologically I think he's trying to re-create, in me, the relationship that he had with his mother. After his dad left, he lived with her, and was a bad, disobedient young man. I often think he acts just like that teenaged, 15-year-old boy.
The worst part -- (someone mentioned communication) -- it's not possible for him to communicate, unless he's drinking. He's like a robot, or a zombie. It takes HOURS -- sometimes DAYS -- for him to respond to my "communications." He never apologizes. Never shows remorse. Never.
I believe the psychological term is "flat affect."
